1. Gather up supplies: wrapping paper, gift box, tissue paper, ribbon, scissors, Scotch tape.
  2. Dammit, you’re out of Scotch tape. 
  3. Run to Walgreens.
  4. Pick up Us Weekly, cheddar popcorn, dog treats, box of Andes mints, and red nail polish in “What’s Your Point-settia?” (It’s festive!)
  5. Go home, paint nails with new polish.
  6. Read Us Weekly while nails dry.
  7. Okay, you need to wrap this thing. Where’s the tape? Did you seriously spend $40 at Walgreens and not buy tape?
  8. Have a cigarette and/or one Andes mint and contemplate whether forgetfulness is due to drinking or aging. Probably just drinking, right? 
  9. Google “tape delivery.”
  10. Spend 5–10 minutes installing apps for shopping lists and reminders.
  11. Spend 30–45 minutes playing Candy Crush Saga.
  12. You know what? As long as you’re going out to get tape, you might as well get lunch.
  13. Text your BFF—“Hey betch, meet me at Paulie’s”—with assorted emoji, including several bowls of pasta and at least one thumbs-up.
  14. While you’re on phone, Instagram a pic of new manicure with hashtags #whatsyourpointsettia #sofestive.
  15. At Paulie’s, decide between rigatoni and the Caesar. Realize that if you order both, you can heat up half the pasta for Monday’s lunch.
  16. Eat all the pasta.
  17. Get to-go box for salad.
  18. Get back in car, realize you left to-go box on table.
  19. Go to Walgreens, buy Scotch tape.
  20. When car radio plays “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” keep driving so you can sing along. Might as well head to Starbucks and get a peppermint mocha.
  21. Hit Mariah-worthy high note right in barista’s face in drive-thru window. (It’s festive!)
  22. Okay, wrapping time! Return home, re-gather supplies: wrapping paper, ribbon, tape, gift box.
  23. Arrange tissue paper so it is centered on bottom of box. 
  24. Add gift and fold edges of tissue paper toward the center.
  25. Close box, secure with tape.
  26. Cut a piece of wrapping paper twice the size of the box, place top of box face down in center of wrapping paper.
  27. Carefully fold paper neatly and snugly over corners, placing the long sides of the paper on top of the box first, then gently slide the box and paper 90 degrees.
  28. Spill peppermint mocha all over wrapping paper.
  29. Oh, for the love of Christ.
  30. Affix bow to box.
  31. Call it a day. 
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