For some unfathomable reason known only to the darkest recesses of his martyred, shame-benighted Irish Catholic soul, Conan O'Brien is filming a week's worth of shows in Dallas, of all places.

To curry favor with the effete yet vapid Dallasite Team Coco contingent, the ginger wiseacre donned a cowboy hat and a Nudie-looking blazer and performed a ditty slamming Houston.

The lyrics, for those of you who have slavemaster bosses:

650 square miles, all of it comprised of burning garbage piles. Houston’s smog is the 8th worst in the USA, and it’s home to every serial killer that’s alive today. It’s industries are known for pollutin’, and it’s the favorite U.S. city of Vladimir Putin. And here’s my last line, and I don’t mean to be callous, but if you drive near Houston just keep going to Dallas.”

On receiving word of this bit of drivel, we retired to the Cone of Silence and sought inspiration from The Pantheon of Bayou City Ancient Muses: Sam Houston, Bill Hicks, Vassar Miller, Lightnin' Hopkins, Townes Van Zandt, and Marvin Zindler. After their receit of our burnt offering—an effigy of Mark Cuban—the Muses gifted us with the following Answer Song:

"Conan O'Brien in Dallas singin' and lyin',

As if he was a resident of the city that killed our president.

Big D stands for Douche and every Texan knows it,

And Dallas is the place where Jerry Jones always blows it.

They do keep it pretentious,

On that they are conscientious.

And here's my last line, I don't mean to spite,

But Conan, what happened with you and that show called Tonight?" 

 

Show Comments

Read This Next