We’d heard rumblings of a crisis in the cocktail community for months, but it wasn’t until The Drawl read a March 27 headline on Chron.com—“Margaritas in Danger Due to Skyrocketing Prices”—that the potential for disaster truly became clear. Of course, as is the case with any slow-unfolding tragedy, there are those who will choose to ignore the gravity of the situation. For the benefit of these head-in-the-salt types, The Drawl presents the following worst-case timeline.
Chron.com officially names the margarita to the endangered species list.
Jimmy Buffett dies.
Cinco de Mayo is finally celebrated for the right reasons.
Birthday parties for two-year-olds throughout Seabrook and Clear Lake are suddenly, inexplicably canceled.
Sales of Tums fall precipitously.
Carlos Mencia reopens Maggie Rita’s so he can blame its subsequent demise on something other than himself.
The combination of margaritas and diablo shrimp tacos at Ninfa’s on Navigation no longer has near-lethal implications.
Rush Limbaugh decries margarita extinction as a myth created by lefty media.
Numerous tables at Tacos A Go-Go fall deathly silent after fake disputes surrounding the margarita (rocks vs. frozen, salt vs. no salt, “margs” vs. “ritas”) no longer provide the substance of first-date conversations.
In an ill-advised attempt to capitalize on the situation, Danton’s is retrofitted with frozen Bloody Mary machines.
An entire generation of drinkers suddenly wonders how it was ever able to devour three baskets of tortilla chips.
An entire generation of drinkers suddenly remembers the second half of the evening at El Tiempo.