This dress says "safety first."

Recently in England, a young woman named Zoe Turner was riding home from a Christmas party in a taxi when the vehicle was hit by a cement truck. Rather propitiously, Miss Turner had elected to wear to the party a form-fitting little red dress—a dress so tight that her doctors said it kept her crushed bones from puncturing her internal organs. Her bandage dress allegedly saved her life.

I guess my parents were wrong when they said nothing good could come from wearing tight clothes—eat it, guys. Pictures published in The Telegraph of this dress prove that it was not only life-saving but also hot and slinky, and without independent verification I’m going to go ahead and claim that everyone at the party gave Miss Turner their phone number.

Most of you probably don’t worry about getting hit by a cement truck as you drive through downtown, but those like me who haven’t been taking our Prozac will be happy to note that potentially lifesaving bandage dresses have gone on sale after the New Year. Ready your shopping list, I’ve compiled a list of other fashion must-haves to stock up on to save us from all the one-in-a-million chance deaths we’re all secretly fearing.

Volcanic Eruption

Especially troubling to anyone living in the blast pattern of the Yellowstone Caldera, death by volcanic eruption is a familiar stress nightmare of mine. Other frequent worriers can rest assured knowing that while volcanic magma can reach temperatures between 700°C and 1200°C, a carbon diamond can withstand temperatures up to 3600°C. If you were looking for a reason to upgrade from cubic zirconia, remember that you are really investing in your life. A full-body diamond cat-suit is really the minimum purchase necessary.

Parachute Malfunction

If you’re pulling the string on that parachute for any reason other than having recently been kidnapped and forced into an airplane that was subsequently shot down, you made a decision that put you in danger. You don’t need a parachute with both feet firmly planted on the ground, ladies and gentlemen.

Usually when I travel I go ahead and bring along an extra parachute so this sort of thing doesn’t happen to me, but allow me to also recommend that you fly exclusively in harem pants and long, flowing tunics. Sure, you’ll look like you’re wearing your older sister’s clothes, but at least when you’re hurtling to the ground your clothing will create drag and slow your inevitably painful crash landing. Tip: Wear knee pads underneath your pants to soften the landing.

Ebola

Ebola is way worse to catch now than it was a month or two ago; it still causes people to hemorrhage blood out of every orifice, but now it's no longer trendy as well. Mostly you can avoid Ebola by not traveling to West Africa, but if there’s a really great EDM concert there, make sure you’re accessorizing with a nice, thick scarf that you can pull up over your mouth, nose, and eyes in the event that someone begins to bleed explosively around you. Avoid warm, red colors, to allow doctors and other emergency personnel to inspect the splatter pattern and determine your safety level.

This anaconda don't want none unless your jeans are acid-free.

Deadly Snake

As a person suffering from ophidiophobia, I usually check each doorway of my apartment with a mirror to ascertain that there are no snakes lurking around the corner before I step through. I get that not everyone else is as cautious as I am, and to you I suggest: acid-washed jeans.

This is 2015—the real threat of a snake is not in the simple bite. Most hospitals have anti-venom on hand, you’ll be fine, just shake it off. My worry, and I’m sure yours as well, is being swallowed whole by one of those enormous beasts they’re growing down in the Everglades. Acid-washed jeans have already been treated with acid, that’s their natural environment. When you start slipping and sliding around in the acidic bowels of the snake from Anaconda, your jeans will shield your lower half and allow you to kick through the intestinal wall of the snake and climb your way to safety. (Trust me, I've thought about this a lot.)

Accessorize your jeans with dark tops and glittery jewelry. It won’t help save your life, but it will take some of the attention off your garish pants.

 

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