I guess this guy's complimentary watch didn't get lost in the mail...

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“Come in, Commander Snorklebutt. It’s Lieutenant Catherine reporting from the surface of Earth. Earthling to Olive Garden ratio is dangerously high for our standards. Planet does not seem habitable.” That’s what I would say into my Apple Watch, if I had one. I waited a while outside my apartment complex for the mailman to show up, but for a couple days now he’s been saying that maybe Apple isn’t sending complimentary smartwatches to fashion bloggers. That’s fine, the rain was a bit of a drag.

The main draw of the Apple Watch does seem to be that it provides everything I ever wanted out of the future. What can’t your Apple Watch do? It can open your hotel door. It can open your car door. You can touch a picture of your friend, and then your friend can feel it on their watch. Behind finding a cure for cancer, reversing the effects of global warming, and ensuring that every human being on the planet has enough food and water to eat, these goals were high on my list.

Until now, every time I wanted to force my friends to think about me, I had to send them a text message. That takes seconds of my life that I may never see a return on! Finally, truly instantaneous communication is here. That weird chill you feel when you notice your ex has liked and commented on your Facebook photos from 2011 will for once be centralized on the wrist part of your body.

That weird chill you feel when you notice your ex has liked and commented on your Facebook photos from 2011 will for once be centralized on the wrist part of your body.

I’m a little bit antsy about the technology however because the Apple Watch is literally smarter than me. It can interpret “force touch commands” to tell the difference between you lightly stroking the face of your watch and jamming forcefully at it. Now that they’ve developed this tactile understanding, I’m going to go ahead and call it: Apple’s next product will be a skilled lover. 

The price of the Apple Watch is a negative to me for myriad reasons. Most importantly, my retirement account leans heavy on Microsoft, whose company-sustaining ubiquity began to crumble after the Zune failed to attract teens eager for Avril Lavigne downloads. To be quite honest, I can’t even afford to look at Apple stock. To even pull up the research page on my broker’s website, you have to type in a credit card number and every minute, you’re asked to re-enter your iTunes password and confirm the purchase of another 60 seconds worth of knowledge. I’m a pretty fast reader, but that adds up. With the release of the Apple Watch, the gap between the haves and the Microsofts is growing even wider, and poverty is not a color I look good in.

Apple stock isn’t the only thing that’s priced a little high. The Apple Watch Edition (and I’m eagerly waiting for the end of that statement – special edition? Second edition? Tenth edition? Seriously there has to be something more to that name) starts at $10,000. Geez louise! Being a nerd used to be so cheap. You built your own computer. You illegally downloaded books for free off the internet. When you really wanted to spend money, you bought a Doctor Who cosplay outfit instead of making it yourself!

Not anymore. Now to stand out at Geeks Who Drink night at the bar you have to drop the GDP of a small nation. I can’t keep up. I already can’t afford a MacBook Pro. By the time the iLover comes out in 2018 I might as well just move onto a farm in the middle of nowhere and grow my own vegetables. I’m finished. 24 years old and I’m already obsolete.

Look, just like everyone else, I want to complain about what a useless piece of technology the Apple Watch is. I want to be cynical and jaded too. But the facts are this: on the one hand, yes, Apple Watch Edition is a stupid name, and I don’t have ten grand. On the other hand, I’ve waited my entire life to speak into my watch and have it talk back, and I think that might just be worth it.

 

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