This dress does not belong on the African plains...

When it comes to spring fashion, there's so much to keep track of. No longer can we throw on a coat and boots over anything in the closet that doesn't yet smell. Now people are going to actually see your clothes again, and that means it's time to start paying attention to the trends. Luckily I’ve done the research and I'm ready to explain everything you need to know about staying hip this season.

It’s still fashionable to be a hipster.

Important to note on this month’s fashion trends is the resurgence of animal prints. Not leopard print or zebra print – actual animals, printed in a pattern.  This is exciting to me as a hipster because I think it says something about my tribe of people. No longer are we skulking like cockroaches, scurrying into the shadows to avoid the light of the mainstream. Instead we are shaping that very mainstream we once rejected.

Our fashion sense, conceived over locally brewed beer in dark, dingy bars, has bled into the open vein of contemporary fashion. Now tiny deer and owls aren’t just for hipsters, and you can tell that they’re for rich people now too because they are printed on fabrics you can’t just toss in the washing machine with your collection of Three Wolf Moon T-shirts. Handwash only, people. The mark of the mainstream populace.

A gingham disaster is incoming.

I’m sure it’s possible to look good in gingham, if you live in a Colonial-style house on the prairie and kill your own chickens for dinner. Otherwise, dressing in gingham does nothing but make you look like a picnic blanket. Do you want people to sit on top of you and cover you in crumbs? If not, don’t wear gingham; it’s literally as easy as that. If you were in fact hoping people would sit on top of you and enjoy a family meal, check out the new dog park off of Studemont. There are a bunch of families there on weekends, maybe you can find a taker.

Statement stripes have arrived.

Enough said. I like any type of trend that starts with the word statement. What’s cool about statement stripes is that they really question what it is to be a stripe. Slap any couple of colors together in a horizontal or vertical bend, and call it statement stripes – let’s not worry about size of stripes, consistency, or even picking colors that are visually pleasing together. You’re only making a statement if you’re not really sure if you’re really wearing stripes at all.

Wearing drab colors is no longer called “boring;” now it’s called “safari” 

Look, I’ve never understood safari as a style. I guess the idea is that when you’re on a safari, you’re being hunted by the fashion police and are legally required to wear muted olive tones instead of embracing your inner fashion diva. I guess some people look good in muted olive tones. Maybe some people enjoy looking like they’re colorblind.

Personally, if I were on a safari I would want to wear zebra print and walk with a limp to naturally attract hungry lions and hyenas closer to my expedition. I would not be wearing any kind of hideous belted mini-dress that barely covers my lady bits. But maybe that’s why I don’t get invited on safari expeditions.

 
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