A decade ago, I found myself inside La Bare—Houston's premier male strip club—for a bachelorette party. My gay male friend was told he'd have to wait towards the rear of the theater, as no men were allowed too close to the action. As the rest of our group grabbed seats towards the front, I settled in with him to watch the show, which consisted of a couple of hours of greased-up men performing poorly choreographed dances on stage and gyrating on the laps of women who ranged from terrifyingly enthusiastic to desperately uncomfortable, with relatively no middle ground. At one point, I watched a woman slip a wad of cash to one of the greasier dancers, who proceeded to make out with her in a surprisingly well-lit corner of the room. And as I took it all in, I thought to myself: the only thing this horrorshow is missing is food*!
If you're anything like me—or if you've just been wishing for a real-life version of O'Nutter's from Inside Amy Schumer—you'll no doubt be thrilled to learn that Texas is getting its very own "himbo" restaurant called Tallywackers, opening soon in Dallas, which will feature shirtless men serving jumbo hot dogs on otherwise empty trays (if the job placement ad is any indication). Tallywackers is setting up shop in Oak Lawn, the center of gay nightlife in the city. This is promising in one regard: perhaps the gay males who frequent Tallywackers won't be cordoned off in some arbitrary no-men zone, thereby greatly increasing the restaurant's potential customer base.
Yes, Tallywackers could greatly level the playing field of so-called "breastaurants," where scantily clad women serve wings (Hooters), chili (Twin Peaks), burritos (Bombshells) and barbecue (Bone Daddy's). Now, both men and women can be objectified on the job, and both men and women can do the objectifying! I wish my grandfathers were both alive to see this day. I'd drive them through a Dallas long-changed since their youth, down Lemmon Avenue where hot dogs with the faint perfume of tanning oil are borne on plastic trays by shirtless angels with shaved chests who totally aren't going to spend your tip on poppers. What a world, they'd say. I'm glad I fought for this country in World War II. Now let's get some weiners!
Tallywackers opens in May, and thankfully has no immediate plans to expand to Houston.
*La Bare actually does serve food, but sadly no hot dogs.