Here's a headline we never thought we'd read: Dunkin' Donuts brings guacamole to breakfast with new bacon guacamole flatbread sandwich. This news trumpeted out from a press release this morning, accompanied by a photo that looked like Beggin' Strips tucked into a piece of pita. The guacamole in the photo actually looks quite appetizing—definitely more so than the bacon, which begs explanation from the food stylists involved in this setup; when guacamole looks better than bacon, something needs to change, because this is America.

Anyway, as a colleague put it this morning when he heard the amazing news: "This is innovation! This is the first time in history guacamole has touched breakfast! This is America!" I showed him a picture I saw this morning on Reddit titled, simply, "The All-American Strip Mall" and we both agreed that the Jack in the Box anchoring the strip mall could easily be replaced by a Dunkin' Donuts and its new Bacon Guacamole Flatbread Sandwich with reduced-fat cheddar cheese and eggs and its "zesty mix of Hass avocados, cilantro and lime juice" that can be enjoyed "around the clock, as the new Bacon Guacamole Flatbread Sandwich—like all Dunkin' Donuts breakfast sandwiches—is served any time of day."

The Bacon Guacamole Flatbread Sandwich, a sandwich you couldn't possibly have been prepared to witness or even imagine, is the next step in a path of culinary evolution whose most recent entries have included the much-heralded Breakfast Waffle Taco from Taco Bell (God forbid Taco Bell should just start serving breakfast tacos...) and its successor, the Chicken Biscuit Taco, which replaced the Waffle Taco much like we replaced Neanderthals in an elegant display of competitive exclusion. One would think that a Chicken Biscuit Taco drizzled with honey would be a creation so far removed from its roots in a fast food Cali-Mex joint as to have reached an evolutionary dead end, laden with adaptations and hereditary mutations that have rendered it incapable of producing future healthy generations. But not so.

Indeed, the Bacon Guacamole Flatbread Sandwich is a proud example of that American fast food breakfast evolutionary ingenuity at work, separating culinary creations further and further from their point of origin as to be almost completely detached from the other foods surrounding it each morning, glazed donuts and little bags of chocolate Munchkins and sweet danishes and the Bacon Guacamole Flatbread Sandwich existing together in the sort of cognitive dissonance that will get your brain firing in the morning better than any cup of coffee, especially as we collectively consider the idea that the avocado—and therefore guacamole—is becoming a luxury purchase due to the worsening drought in California, where most avocados are grown.

But not here at Dunkin' Donuts, where it's smeared inside a piece of pita and shoved across a counter at you, because this is America and we eat what we want whenever we want to eat it, whether it's a Waffle Sandwich at White Castle at midnight or a Chick-N-Tater Melt at Jack in the Box at 3 a.m. or whatever comes lurching out of America's primordial fast food breakfast swamp next.

 

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