They're back! Hang your granny panties in the air like you just don't care about people judging your underwear choices.

Today we can talk about something that appeals to all, across gender lines: women’s underwear trends. According to a recent article in The New York Times, women are moving away from thongs and into more full-bottomed underwear styles.

This is hardly surprising. The thong trend actually never made sense to me. Purely from a price standpoint, why would you pay the same amount of money—sometimes more!—for something that is approximately one tenth of the product? As someone who will always buy the cheapest unit cost available, purchasing my Kleenex in pallets of ten dozen when I know I can only go through one or two a season, I’m outraged at the thought of not getting my money’s worth. What exactly are you paying for? Your own butt cheeks? Thanks, I already got those for free.

I mean, butt floss? Come on. I’ve heard lots of girls say that to them, thongs are more comfortable. I definitely get that not every human has the same opinion as me about objects rubbing against their butthole, but my tolerance for the opinions of others does not extend to my desiring to emulate them.

My mother always said: a woman's underwear should touch her belly button

The biggest positive I’ve ever heard about thongs is that men find them sexy, a viewpoint I’ve never put much stock in. By all means, wear what your man finds attractive—partnership is a two-way street, and you've got to do whatever it takes to keep everyone from sliding into Dadbod. But come on. By the time people are looking at each other’s underwear, the decision about whether or not they will insert Tab A into Slot B has already been made. Rarely are men and women having these kinds of roundtable discussions sans pants, based on the amount of butt cheek that is leaking out of the sides of a woman’s panties. And the good news about this is that you can change underwear when things start heading in a sexy direction. There’s simply no reason to floss all day.

Personally, I like my underwear like I like my coffee: full-bodied and bold. I spend most of my day sitting on my butt at a desk. I need all the protection I can get.

But I have to conclude that, to me, the style of underwear I choose is a deeply personal choice. My mother has frequently called me a “prude” on these sorts of matters, and while I think I’ve loosened up over the years, I still have my hang ups: when I buy my underwear at Target, I hide my selections underneath decoy purchases of notebooks or tucked into Tupperwear for discretion. When I buy my underwear at Victoria Secret, I blush when the girl (or, God forbid, boy) behind the counter puts her fingers all over my new underwear to fold them. “Don’t touch that!” I want to shout. “I’m putting it next to my vagina!” Sometimes I wish, instead of pink bags and tissues, they would wrap your purchases in a biohazard bag.

I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of girls are like me on this matter, and probably are not going to alter their underwear buying habits based off of any underwear trends, regardless of what they are leaning towards. But for those of you who are free and open and walk into Victoria’s Secret in pairs and trios, fearlessly, welcome to the granny panty side. You're going to like sitting in these babies. I guarantee it.

 

 

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