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"#Colotchie?!"

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Ah, Yelp. That profitable “best way to find local businesses” internet resource built on the blood, sweat, and tears of uncompensated reviewers, many of whom fashion themselves amateur food critics. 

And, while many Houston Yelpers do a yeoman’s job of detailing the merits (or lack thereof) of area restaurants, others, well, issue judgments that leave us more confused than enlightened.

See, for example, this missive from “Jonathan L.” who left this review of The Original Kolache Shoppe:

Wow! I love this place If your #Czech as I am half from my father side. You will absolutely love this place! I have not had a #Colotchie this good since my aunt Vlasta made me them in her home and #LaGrange Texas.

His endearing shout-out to Aunt Vlasta notwithstanding, Jonathan seems to think he is on Twitter given his promiscuous use of hashtags. Ten points, however, for the most creative spelling of kolache we have ever seen.

Yelper “O.D.A” was not impressed during her second visit to Ashiana Indian Restaurant, but for reasons we find hard to accept:

The first time I came here almost 2 years ago for their Sunday buffet and I feel in love with their chicken tikka and they had a good variety of food which was all tasty. Fast forward to when I went a few months back for their Sunday buffet, the chicken tikka wasn't as good as I remembered, and when I went to the buffet station to get a second helping on rice..I saw a tiny baby reach walking alongside the serving table. And I was done. Will not be back.

The nerve of that tiny baby walking alongside the serving table! “O.D.A," I know kids aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, but in the spirit of making America great again, let’s try to have a little more tolerance for tikka-seeking toddlers.  

You can please all people some of the time, some people all of the time, and “Melissa A.” none of the damn time if you serve her rice pipin’ hot. Of her experience at Prego, Melissa A. wrote:

This place not good.  I'm pretty freakin' sure my risotto was microwaved cause there's no way it would have gotten that hot in the pan without scorching the rice. And it stayed hot forever.  It was literally steaming for 10 minutes.  I would have taken a picture, but I didn't want my Dad to feel bad about the dinner he was reading me to. 

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Melissa A. is entitled to her own opinion but not her own facts. First, it is possible to cook risotto such that it is very hot and not scorch the rice. Second, nothing can stay hot forever. Not even the sun. Third, if, in fact, her risotto was literally steaming for 10 minutes, then I question Melissa A.’s ability to take a photograph without clouding the lens of her camera. Kudos, though, to her father as my own pops never offered to read my dinner to me.

Let’s turn now to Aaron P., who has been continually disappointed by his food at Baja Berryhill Grill:

Over the past 6 months I have gone to this location. At one time it was super great. NOW, the food is so bad I can't eat it and leave half way through the meal. I know it only $12 but you should be able to eat it.

For Gawd’s sake, Aaron, why do you keep returning to Berryhill if the food is “so bad” and you can never manage to finish your meal? Did the Pope request you serve as the official martyr for disappointing Tex-Mex? Einstein would not approve of your repeated attempts.

Finally, although I totes understand that location, location, location is everything when it comes to restaurants, I’m flummoxed (and, admittedly, somewhat freaked out) by Savannah C’s explanation for visiting Aloha Pho:

I went here because it's the closest location to my hose.

I would really, really like to believe that Savannah C. harbors a generous albeit odd inclination to water the foliage surrounding Aloha Pho. Because if she’s using “hose” as a euphemism, I’m not going down that rabbit hole.

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