Hey girl, sorry we haven’t spoken in a while. You've been coming on pretty strong lately and I had to give myself some distance. For a while now I’ve been trying to think of how to say this without hurting you, but I’m just going to keep it simple.
We need to break up.
It's not you, it's the chub rub. In the past I've put up with the sweat and the sticking to chairs, but we—that's me and my thighs—can’t take it anymore. This hot and humid weather makes it impossible to move around outside without getting a painful rash when your thighs rub together. Wearing any kind of shorts in Houston when it's hot out is an unparalleled horror.
Naturally, we turned to Google. The internet offers some simple solutions to chub rub, such as deodorant. But why should I have to put deodorant on my inner thighs when I have done and don't plan to do anything even remotely sporty?
Speaking of sporty, some suggest wearing bike shorts under my dresses as a solution. First of all, no. This isn’t the Tour de France. If I wanted to dress like Lance Armstrong, I would have invested in a Livestrong bracelet ... in 2003. Granted, biker shorts do help the chafing problem, but with this heat adding another layer is just not appealing.
And please, allow to me address those who suggest wearing jeans to avoid the whole issue. Just wear jeans? Just wear jeans? Have you ever worn jeans in 100-percent humidity without sweating like you just ran a half marathon? It’s gross, impractical and borderline unethical.
At least someone has invented Bandelettes, or lace thigh bands designed to stay on your thighs and protect against chafing. This is obviously the most fashion-forward solution to the problem, but my heart cannot trust a mere elastic band around each thigh to fix my problems. There is also the risk the bands could fall down and I would be known to the public as a girl that leads a 50 Shades lifestyle offscreen. That's feeling a whole different type of heat.
Summer, I get it. This is something you can’t really control. It's on me. I could go the gym, wear biker shorts under dresses, buy Body Glide in bulk from Sam’s, even rub cooking spray on my legs (just the suggestion makes me wonder about anyone I see buying it at the grocery store now). But like I heard someone say, “Houston weather just makes you mad.” In this case, it literally makes me feel pain.
Obviously I’ll see you around but I can’t promise it’ll be with a smile. I'll probably be sporting a frown with a layer sweat on my upper lip.
Stay cool (or at least try),