When I first moved to this city–sight unseen–as a single 20-something, you better believe I was on all of the dating apps. Tinder? It's necessary. Bumble? Natch. Coffee Meets Bagel? Apparently that's a thing, yes. I swiped so hard my thumbs got jacked. I was nothing if not committed to the cause: After getting in a car accident en route to meet a guy, I still went on the date.
Anyway, there's a time and a place for my online dating tales, and it ain't here. What I am here to share with you is an observation, profound in its simplicity. After much time and energy spent virtually shuffling through men like a deck of cards, I kept returning to one common refrain: "I've seen him before...and him...and him."
Yes, it's true—they're all the same! And to save you the trouble, I've documented them here, in the urban woman's field guide. Happy hunting!
Bio: The Office quote
Hobbies: Reliving his Aggie glory days
Reason to swipe right: His apartment complex has a really nice pool
Reason to swipe left: He wears a class ring
Bio: "Never married. No kids."
Hobbies: Aging out of young professional mixers
Reason to swipe right: He vaguely knows JJ Watt
Reason to swipe left: He's a regular at B19
Bio: Florida Georgia Line lyrics, American flag emoji
Hobbies: Lamenting political correctness, hand-washing his Ford F150
Reason to swipe right: He'll definitely pay on the first date
Reason to swipe left: None of his photos don't contain a dead animal
Bio: "If you don't work out, neither will we."
Hobbies: Lifting, flexing, stifling a huge inferiority complex
Reason to swipe right: A shirtless pic
Reason to swipe left: A shirtless pic
Bio: The near-mythical combination of insightful and witty
Hobbies: Reading, traveling, volunteering, calling his mom
Reasons to swipe right: He's...the one?
Reasons to swipe left: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. (He's married.)