When I first moved to this city–sight unseen–as a single 20-something, you better believe I was on all of the dating apps. Tinder? It's necessary. Bumble? Natch. Coffee Meets Bagel? Apparently that's a thing, yes. I swiped so hard my thumbs got jacked. I was nothing if not committed to the cause: After getting in a car accident en route to meet a guy, I still went on the date.

Anyway, there's a time and a place for my online dating tales, and it ain't here. What I am here to share with you is an observation, profound in its simplicity. After much time and energy spent virtually shuffling through men like a deck of cards, I kept returning to one common refrain: "I've seen him before...and him...and him."

Yes, it's true—they're all the same! And to save you the trouble, I've documented them here, in the urban woman's field guide. Happy hunting!

Alternate profile pic: In front of the flag at Manready Mercantile.

Chad, 29

Occupation: Engineer
Bio: The Office quote
Hobbies: Reliving his Aggie glory days
Reason to swipe right: His apartment complex has a really nice pool 
Reason to swipe left: 
He wears a class ring

"They're my sisters."

Jason, 37

Occupation: Engineer
Bio: "Never married. No kids."
Hobbies: Aging out of young professional mixers
Reason to swipe right: He vaguely knows JJ Watt
Reason to swipe left: He's a regular at B19

Did you catch that fish just for me?!

Ryan, 28

Occupation: Engineer
Bio: Florida Georgia Line lyrics, American flag emoji
Hobbies: Lamenting political correctness, hand-washing his Ford F150
Reason to swipe right: He'll definitely pay on the first date
Reason to swipe left: None of his photos don't contain a dead animal

Underneath all those muscles? A crippling fear of inadequacy.

Zach, 26

Occupation: Engineer
Bio: "If you don't work out, neither will we."
Hobbies: Lifting, flexing, stifling a huge inferiority complex
Reason to swipe right: A shirtless pic
Reason to swipe left: A shirtless pic

Hey girl, wanna get your hopes up?

Leo, 32

Occupation: Engineer
Bio: The near-mythical combination of insightful and witty
Hobbies: Reading, traveling, volunteering, calling his mom
Reasons to swipe right: He's...the one?
Reasons to swipe left: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. (He's married.)

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