Houstonians upset over the Texas Education Agency’s takeover of HISD should brush up on their defensive spells since word on the street is that Dolores Umbridge will be appointed as the district’s new headmistress.

After his successful debut performance at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo in March, Machine Gun Kelly turned himself in at one of Mayor Turner’s gun buyback events and will now be known simply as “Kelly.”

Two goats were found wandering inside a Target store in Spring earlier this year, but fortunately they forgot their credit cards at home so they weren’t able to charge anything.

The Pappas family is officially out at Hobby Airport after losing its contract to a competing bid, meaning Aaron Bludorn is going to have to marry into an entirely new food dynasty if he wants to eventually open a restaurant there.