What We Think About When We’re Driving on 290

Will U.S. 290 ever be finished? The redone portions of the highway that have been unveiled as of this writing—closer to 610, east of Jones Road—offer a tantalizing glimpse of the glory that will be. But large stretches remain a hellscape that commuters must face twice daily, feet cramping from tapping their brakes as they stop and go, stop and go, wondering, Is there an accident up ahead? Some justification for the never-ending standstill? Of course not! Ahhhhh!!!!!

It’s enough to propel the most composed, level-headed driver into stark-raving madness, especially when each week brings another empty promise of completed construction. Make this journey often enough, and you’ll find the mind wanders…

What kind of animal did that carcass come from?

Fergie was at her best in The Black Eyed Peas.

What don’t you understand about “no trucks in left lane”?

Oh cool, a ladder.

Why does Hooters have a sign that says, “You kill the chicken, we’ll make the wings?”

(Why is Hooters still in business?)

It’s entirely possible that America is just a short-lived political experiment nearing its expiration date.

You can’t put your blinker on and simply expect to levitate to the next lane. Make a move, buddy.

Oh cool, a grill.

The multiverse concept in quantum physics posits that an infinite number of separate, parallel universes exist to comprise all of space, time, matter, and energy. The theory suggests all your decisions in this life play out in alternate realities, and the resemblance between a current situation and previously occurring situations could explain the phenomenon of déjà vu. In a parallel universe with nearly identical particle configuration to this one, our existence may be remarkably similar. In any other universe, I am sure that I’m still on 290.

Enrique Iglesias is one of the few examples of people who looked equally as good both before and after removal of a facial mole.

Why are we stopped?

We need another plague.

Remember the time Nelly and Tim McGraw recorded a song together?

Pickle is both a verb and a noun. Pickles are named after their method of preservation, not what they actually are. Technically, they should really be called pickled cucumbers. Do people pickle potatoes?

Is SpongeBob on Netflix?

Published in the Houston's 50 Best Restaurants issue of Houstonia Mag.