“You take a half-million dollar home in The Woodlands that has $50,000 worth of landscaping, and in one night a single pig can destroy the entire yard,” says Montgomery County deputy livestock constable Marshall Williams, referring to the area’s growing feral hog problem. “We are pretty ate up with them county-wide.” 

Well, all right. But why would these creatures prefer a planned community over Sam Houston National Forest? Why, for the same reasons everyone else does!

  1. Hogs can reproduce up to three times every two years, like many a Woodlands family.
  2. Mature hogs in The Woodlands are mostly of one color (usually dark brown or black). Mature humans there are also mostly of one color.
  3. Both species like to lurk near bodies of water, although the hogs do not require synchronized fountains or a smooth jazz band. 
  4. Hogs: Adaptable, intelligent, capable of warning other hogs about traps. Woodlanders: Adaptable, intelligent, capable of warning other Woodlanders about 40-minute waits at Cheesecake Factory.
  5. Compared to domestic types, feral hogs are more muscular, have less body fat, and are covered by a telltale stiff fur. Compared to the rest of Houstonia, Woodlands humans are more muscular, have less body fat, and are covered in telltale yoga pants. 
  6. Hogs are omnivorous, consuming everything from grasses and mushrooms to snails, birds, watermelon, etc. In other words, everything on the menu at Fielding’s Wood Grill.
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