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You Must See This Snarky Takedown of a Houston McMansion

McMansion Hell has some thoughts on this giant fake turret and other disasters.

By Sarah Rufca Nielsen August 26, 2016

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These are rough times for McMansions. It's almost like a global recession caused by a housing bubble has made people rethink whether they need a giant house squeezed onto a too-small lot—"muffin-top houses," we've heard them called—made with cheap materials and ornamented within an inch of its gaudy life.

Bloomberg reports that prices for McMansions have declined as much as 85 percent in markets across the country, and in California college students have started turning them into group housing, like other dorms but with more jacuzzi tubs. But the true nadir of the McMansion era did not arrive until last month with the launch of the Tumblr McMansion Hell, which hilariously skewers the tropes of the genre. We should have known that it couldn't be long before a Houston McMansion would get a turn. 

The blog's latest victim is a 5-bedroom, 6.5-bath stucco monstrosity in Briar Forest that "is currently for sale for $1,498,000 despite the fact that it looks like it was made for, maybe, like, $8." McMansion Hell asks the important questions, like "what kind of strange people enjoy watching themselves eat?" and answers questions that we didn't even know we had. What does one call the random plot of grass in the middle of a semi-circular driveway? A soul patch, obviously. 

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The entire post is a delightful room-by-room takedown of random crown moulding, sad garden tubs, useless columns, "luxury microfiber" seating and turrets that fail spectacularly to live up to their potential. The whole thing should be enjoyed while listening to Countess Luann de Lesseps' non-hit single "Money Can't Buy You Class," which is ironic because this is a house you'd think a Real Housewife would absolutely love.

If you want to make sure a McMansion doesn't happen to you, you can also scroll through the author's useful guides on what makes a mansion vs. a McMansion and her guide to the principles of architecture—and how a bad McMansion thoughtlessly tramples them.

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