Oprah, Oprah, Oprah. When asked by the Dallas Morning News which city was the better host, Houston or Dallas, you chirped: “Dallas won! If you have a rivalry, Dallas won!” Really, Oprah? Come sit at our table, Oprah. See if you say the same thing after we put you next to Steve Forbes, whom we’re going to have to issue a restraining order on if his magazine doesn’t stop calling us things like “America’s next great global city” (and last year, even more bewilderingly, “America’s coolest city”). Susie Jimenez can have the other seat next to you. The Next Food Network Star can tell you all about her new eatery Trenza and its very Bayou City Indian-inspired Latin food. For a little mirth, we’ll throw in Todd Waite of the Alley’s Santaland Diaries—now as much a holiday tradition as The Nutcracker and A Christmas Carol. And then, since no Houston party is complete without a few oddities, we’ll invite Lisa Modlich, our octogenarian ping-pong champ, who’ll show you what it means to out-awesome everyone in Texas; Sarah Chandrasekar, local girl and inventress of the Windel Cabinet, a contraption that looks like a framed photo but is actually the world’s most discreet dispenser of diapers and wipes; and Houston Instagrammer @mrpimpgoodgame, whose constant selfies, always featuring the exact same winning grin, have made him an Internet legend. If this motley crew can’t convince you of our greatness, Oprah, then fine, we’ll just invite a freaking bear—that’s right, a (threatened, illegal to kill) Louisiana Black Bear, the kind now making its way back into East Texas. And give him your dessert.