The Drawl

Nine Houstonians With Startlingly Accurate Horoscopes

When Stars Align

Illustrations by Lucky 11 Studios June 2, 2014 Published in the June 2014 issue of Houstonia Magazine

For years, The Drawl has closely followed the prognostications of syndicated mystic Jacqueline Bigar, whose zodiacal revelations can be found in newspapers throughout the hemisphere, the Chron included. As astrologers go, there are none Bigar, and with good reason: predictive accuracy. The following are Houstonians who have had some trying days of late, along with their corresponding horoscopes (yes, the real ones). 

Chandler Parsons

Sign: Scorpio, born October 25
April 14, 2014: A woman runs a red light and hits the Rockets forward’s SUV while Parsons is driving to a game at the Toyota Center; when confronted, the woman asks for an autograph.  
Horoscope: “Unexpected demands at work or from others could send you into a tizzy…. Treat yourself as a fragile object today.”

Ana Trujillo

Sign: Pisces, born February 25
June 9, 2013:  After a night of tequila drinking, Trujillo and her boyfriend get into an altercation, whereupon she stabs him over 25 times with the point of her 5 1/2-inch stiletto heel, killing him. 
Horoscope: “Make a point to take your time for a change.”

Felicia Smith 

Sign: Pisces, born March 10
February 26, 2014: In hopes of giving one of her middle school students a birthday present he won’t forget, Smith, an Aldine ISD teacher, allegedly performs a full-contact lap dance that lasts more than four minutes.
Horoscope: “Take your time when dealing with a key person. … Rethink who is responsible.”

Damian Mandola 

Sign: Capricorn, born December 29
April 3, 2014: Mandola is arrested on charges of aggravated assault after the celebrated restaurateur allegedly breaks into a winery to steal a bottle of wine, vandalizes an employee’s car, and then flees in a golf cart, calling his victim “a (expletive) loser” and shouting, “I’ll kill you, you sack of (expletive).”
Horoscope: “Be careful with how much you protest verbally or through your actions. … Add spice to your day.”

Keandra Harrison 

Sign: Pisces, born March 10
March 1, 2014: After Rosenberg police attempt to arrest her, Harrison allegedly begins to urinate on the arresting officers and laugh about it.
Horoscope: “A beginning could create excitement.” 

Annise Parker 

Sign: Taurus, born May 17
April 21, 2014: The city’s mayor introduces an ordinance prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity.
Horoscope: “Make the effort to get past a hassle. You could feel you’re at an impasse.”

Delino DeShields Jr.  

Sign: Leo, born August 16
April 18, 2014: The Astros minor leaguer’s face swells hideously after DeShields is hit in the face by a 90 mph fastball.
Horoscope: “Tap into your imagination when making plans.” 

Branden Paez 

Sign: Pisces, born February 23
April 22, 2014: Paez is arrested for allegedly delivering Cool Ranch Doritos and candy to inmates at the Harris County jail.
Horoscope: “Examine what is happening with great precision by listening and observing. Your sense of what is appropriate could change as a result.”

Mehrzad Malekzadeh 

Sign: Gemini, born May 25
April 19, 2014: Malekzadeh is arrested after he allegedly makes terrorist threats at a Kemah Walmart as he carries a hoax bomb and knife into the store. 
Horoscope: “Take a break from being so assertive once in a while.”

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