To help ring in our favorite holiday, we’re proud to unveil Houstonia’s House of Horrors, an attraction sure to send a shiver down the spine of any true Bayou City denizen. Admission is free with EZ TAG or Whataburger receipt (limit one per patron). Step right up, Houston!
The Fearsome Freeway Room
Strap in for a car trip that re-creates the harrowing experience of driving on the 610 Loop with your windows down as a busted A/C blows hot air in your face. Your lane, of course, is stuck in start-and-stop traffic. On your right cars whoosh by, just missing your side mirror, while to your left creepy teens pass by in their sweet-16 rides, grabbing at you through the windows, blowing JUUL vapor inside the vehicle as they try to steal your pumpkin spice latte.
The Wretched Restaurant Room
Exit the highway, and it’s time for a pit stop at our Tex-Mex/barbecue café. Opting for Mexican? Get ready for “queso” straight from a can, à la ballpark nachos, served alongside tacos made with rubbery, store-bought tortillas, with no salsa in sight. Want barbecue? The line is an hour-long affair, and when you get to the counter, the brisket will be done for the day. As you instead choke down a few bone-dry, gristly pork ribs, you’ll probably crave a drink, but be warned: There’s definitely slime in the ice machine.
The Ghoulish Grocer Room
Make your way to our postapocalyptic mess of a grocery store, which has been nearly demolished by hurricane-preppers. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to secure the last case of bottled water in the building. Finding the goods is the easy part, as you’ll have to climb over toppled shelves while fighting through hordes of zombified last-minute shoppers to get your cargo to checkout.
The Treacherous Trail Run Room
End your tour with this extremely haunted challenge: a 200-yard dash along a hellacious bayou-hugging running trail, complete with an H-Town summer-throwback forecast of 110 degrees with 300 percent humidity. You’ll also have to contend with overgrown grass and a swarm of angry mosquitos, but never mind that! A mutant half-man, half-crawfish creature is chasing you from behind, out for revenge after years of watching his mudbug friends get boiled alive.