Fun And Games

Like a Meth-Addled Tour of Houston

Princeton-based web bot turns all your Facebook updates into dreamlike, occasionally enlightened gibberish. Here are some of our favorite Houston-related ones.

By John Lomax November 13, 2013

The Houston that this bot creates is as surreal as the smurfy fire hyrdrants.

So last night we were hipped to the web bot What Would I Say, and it's been like Internet-based crack to us ever since. If you consent to hand over your Facebook log-in to the site, it will instantly cull through all your Facebook status updates going back years and generate a Mad Lib of your psyche, something very much like you might actually type next on your page.

Very much, but not quite, as we shall see...

Anyway, I have been on Facebook and more or less addicted to it for five years now, and I tend to post about Houston a lot. Here are some of the weirdest and funniest posts the WWIS bot generated from my rantings about the city. Some of these WWIS posts were likened by one friend of mine to being comparable to "getting a local tour from a frothing meth-addled guide."

1. "Eureka Yard at TC Jester. Latma at Stella Link. Wake Forest at a distance, chanting for my fingers that I am trying to show based on the Houstonia blog." 

2. "Style, panache, grace under every bed in the Heights." (Hubba hubba.)

3. "I wonder if it ran like it had hitched a ride on the most disastrous misadventures of Joel Osteen, but he's not easy at all."

4. "What a great way Clear Lake, I have lived with their worthless insights."  

(Note: Sorry Clear Lake. You are my favorite suburb, honest.)

5. "Don't worry about Santa Muerte, I decided to flip the script and the Eastex is even less embarassing than alive." (Is it?)

6. "Montrose still made me weep." 

Note: It does, not least because of this: 

7. "Well, they let Cajun citizens celebrate their Thanksgiving Dinner and would actually argue two sides of any way it came from Houston."

(We're letting Cajuns celebrate Thanksgiving now? Katy bar the door...)

8. "Houston, the biblical definition of The Wire."

(Note: Dayum.)

9. "Paycheck's tribute to the show Moonshiners as elicited from Pepe Fiesta."


(Note: Pepe is the official name of Fiesta Mart's parrot mascot. Johnny Paycheck was the honky-tonk legend known most widely for "Take This Job and Shove It." I would love to see a parrot-produced show like this. And yes, I am obviously a Fiesta fanatico. )

10. "Now Gwendolyn Zepeda, who is stealing a yerberia and also with me."

(Note: WWIS sometimes throws your friends in there. Zepeda—pictured below—is Houston's poet laureate, but has not, to my knowledge, ever heisted a yerberia. Nor are we together.)

Is this the face of a yerberia thief?

Image: Julian Bajsel

11. "I wonder if that Avenging Angel tombstone is watching dolphins dancing to the media era."

(Note: The Avenging Angel—seen below—is one of the most famous monuments in Glenwood, Houston's loveliest cemetery.)

12. "Anyone remember the details about when Kevin McHale got caught by Brother Casey?"

(Note: As all graduates of Strake Jesuit will remember with mixed fear and grudging admiration, Brother Casey was the school's long-time prefect of discipline. Back in his playing days with the Celtics, Rockets coach Kevin McHale got in a scrap at a Nils Lofgren show at Rockefeller's. Casey was not on the scene. )

13. "TOP NOTCH POT OF factors—overdevelopment, overpopulation, Yuppification, hubris, the social media era." 

(Note: this was partially inspired by a meal at Chinatown's Mala Sichuan restaurant and partially inspired by my usual rants about all these condos going up everywhere.)

14. "Houston not a bad Earth Wind and Fire pit."  

(Note: Wow, Earth Wind and Fire pits! Genius! And Houston is totally a funky Earth Wind and Fire-pit of a city!)

15.  "It was perhaps inevitable that Donald/Deedoodle Duck would walk at 5 pm to 4525 Beechnut Street, Houston." 

(Note: pretty fair opening line to a Pynchonesque postmodern novel there...Thanks Bot!)

16. "Airline Drive takes me to YOUR job."

(I hope not for your sake.)

 Feel free to add yours to the comments!

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