Magic Island Is Officially Reopening—and We Have Some Ideas
A burlesque venue? A drag bar? The headquarters of a new cult? We have some ideas about what type of business this pharaoh head should watch over next.
Magic Island, originally opened in 1984 as a venue for Las Vegas–style magic shows (and also psychics, palm readers, and close-up magic performers) was once one of the city’s most campy hot spots—and is famous for sporting a decidedly ancient Egypt theme. Unfortunately, it’s been shuttered since Hurricane Ike in 2008, the massive pharaoh head on the roof keeping a watchful eye on cars zooming by on US-59.
While Magic Island and its large collection of ancient Egyptian statuary have spent 16 years gathering dust, that’s all set to end soon. The building has been newly renovated and is slated to reopen as…something else? We’re not sure entirely. Although it was first reported that it would become a gambling venue, the building’s owner, Dr. Mohammad Athari, has since walked back those claims.
Houstonians can expect some weird amalgamation of an event space, a performance venue for comedians and magicians, and a spot for business expos. We’re not that impressed with this loose concept, so we decided to put together a dream list of the types of businesses we would rather see take over the space.
Ask Alexander, or ask Criss Angel? We're ready to see some modern day magic at Magic Island 2.0.
Magic Island 2.0
Contrary to what you may have heard, magic shows are actually cool—and quite lucrative. Just take celebrated Las Vegas illusionist Criss Angel, for example. Despite looking like a Myspace-era mashup of Keith Urban and Captain Jack Sparrow, Angel has been able to amass a vast following thanks to the spine-tingling nature of his acts, which have netted him an estimated fortune of around $70 million. That just goes to show that, even if you look like you should be starring in your own Rock of Love–style reality dating show, you can still make quite a lot of money practicing the magical arts.
We’d love for an updated and even grander version of Magic Island to open centered around Angel’s style. There’s more than enough local magical talent to pull this off. And since there are abundant Visible Changes salons in Houston, it would be quite easy to give all the magicians that decidedly scenester Criss Angel hairstyle.
Just hire up that guy who used to do—and maybe still does—card tricks on Poison Girl’s back patio, and make Merlyn, Montrose’s famous wizard, the maître d’. With a team of that caliber, we’d be there every weekend to sup up all the fun.
A burlesque venue
As we have covered extensively here at Houstonia, our local burlesque scene is great. Although we enjoy watching all the shows at their respective small venues, we really do wish there was a big stage somewhere in the city where our local talent could put on grander, more Las Vegas–style shows.
Or even better, could we pretty please create a cabaret show similar to what Crazy Horse does in Paris? As we’ve also covered extensively, we have all the local costuming talent we need to pull off such a show. They’d just need to “Tex” it up a bit by replacing the fuzzy British hat portion of the show with a cowboy hat number, and maybe set the entire show to the music of Shania Twain?
There’s a lot of potential here, so let’s please make it happen. Our girls (and guys) are ready to see the big stage again.
A drag bar and restaurant
Nothing says camp quite like ancient Egypt. We’d love for a Hamburger Mary’s–style spot to open in the old Magic Island building. We’d just prefer it to be a bit more The Birdcage than what they’re currently doing—an elegant, old-school spot where the food is as elevated as the drag.
Perhaps if they play their cards right, the owners of said drag bar could steal Sicilian chef Diego Chiarello, the former co-owner of La Sicilia, from the kitchen of local LGBTQ+ mega-club Rich’s. Although it wouldn’t be the first time an Italian invaded Egypt, it would be the first time that invasion was for a purely gastronomic expansion.
Imagine how quiet and distraction-free a conference call would be if taken inside this sarcophagus.
An immersive coworking space
In this age of remote work, coworking spaces are all the rage. While there are quite a few nice ones around town, we can’t help but think about how cool it would be if someone went out of their way to adopt themes that were a bit more immersive. Need a break from working at home? Why not buy a day pass to our dungeon-themed coworking space, where the desks are literally chained to the wall. In search of a conference room to rent for the announcement of some upcoming layoffs? Then you should book a few hours in our sinking of the Lusitania-themed space. Need some quiet time for focused work? We have three painstakingly bejeweled and sound-proofed sarcophagi available.
It's a great idea, and we have no clue why someone hasn’t done it yet.
The headquarters for a new cult
Look, if you spend any time on the internet, you know there are quite a lot of conspiracy theorists out there. And thanks to popular “history-focused” shows like Ancient Aliens, loads of them have bizarre beliefs surrounding ancient civilizations—especially ancient Egypt. Cults are great business ventures because they’re easy ways to siphon money from the gullible, as indicated by all the pyramid schemes we see our former high school classmates participating in on Facebook.
The old Magic Island building is already perfectly decorated to host an ancient alien-themed cult. All you’d have to do is repaint the pharaoh heads to look like lizard people, order some ceremonial robes in bulk, and then get ChatGPT to combine the Old Testament and Stargate SG-1 into a cohesive religious text. It would literally be that easy.
