WITH THE UPHEAVAL OF THE OFFSEASON BEHIND US, it’s time to get back to on-the-field action with one of the ticket packages below. Now, who’s ready for some baseball? Wait, is this thing on?

Dented Garbage Can Series Special 

May 29, 30, 31: Red Sox

The Red Sox are in Houston, which means we’re ready for the “who can cheat the least” contest. With the severe punishments handed down by Major League Baseball in the offseason, we can expect both teams to not only toe the line, but end all games in a completely fair tie. No need for any more fines, Commish!

Hurricane Season Package 

Sept 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6: Marlins and Mariners

Six games against two aquatically themed teams makes perfect sense in the week leading up to the peak of hurricane season. Bonus: If fans are stuck inside Minute Maid Park because of flooding, everyone gets a commemorative Frank Billingsley bobblehead and an on-field cot. Yay! 

The Heat Is On Series 

August 21, 22, 23: Rangers

For years the Texas Rangers have forced teams—and fans—to endure the dead-of-summer Arlington heat. This year they got a new stadium with a roof, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t pay them back. This August Houston will seat Rangers fans in a special section of Minute Maid, where the heater is on full blast and the sun is in their eyes no matter what time of day. Feel the heat, Dallas!

You Must REALLY Be a Fan Package 

May 11, 12, 13: Royals

It’s early in a very long season, and you’ve opted for tickets to a Monday-through-Wednesday series against the Kansas City Royals, one of baseball’s worst teams? Seriously? You’re clearly a diehard fan. As a reward for your loyalty, feel free to grab a piece of 2017 World Series memorabilia from the bins in the concourse.