Ankle boots have been a staple of fall fashion for the past few years and, naturally, designers are clamoring to put out their own twist on the trend. In 2011, Nicolas Ghesquière, creative director for Balenciaga and apparent advocate for people with exceptionally sweaty ankles, unveiled cutout boots that would look right at home in Blade Runner. Clunky and heeled, they feature limited surface area and are adorned with mixed metal buckles, straps and shiny things that are so ugly they start to seem pretty the longer you hatefully glare at them.

No word on what Balenciaga calls these fashionable contraptions that awful wealthy people have begun strapping to their lower extremities, so I came up with my own rambling nom de guerre: "tap dancing shoes for people with prosthetic legs." Catchy, right? Rumor has it the company already has a controversial ad campaign in the works. Luckily, Houstonia was among a short list of media outlets chosen to leak a sneak preview. Shhhh....

Not that you can actually buy this Frankesnsteinian footwear. The originals have totally sold out, but have inspired some more wallet-friendly variations available at Free People and DSW. Not always the most practical choice (maybe even the opposite of a practical choice), but in a way suited to Houston, where breezy weather means you can rock your open-ankled, dystopian dominatrix boots year-round. And if you had any concerns about the ethics of spending $2,000 on a pair of boots while the ice caps are melting and the Syrian government is gassing it's own people, just remember: Kendall Jenner, whose father used to be famous in the 1970s despite being tragically born without eyebrows, has a pair.