Recently I got into an argument with a woman I respect over a topic that is rending families apart: the Man Bun. Maybe you’ve seen this creature in the wild: grown men, their long flowing locks getting in their eyes while they frolic through grassy fields, solving their problems in a newer, fresher way than the generations of men who trampled into barber shops before them. These revolutionaries do not trim their long, silken tresses. Nay, they tie their delicate strands back into a bun so that they can reap the benefits of their freedom only when it is appropriate and convenient.
My initial reaction to this particular sort of insanity is understandably negative. I have fairly conservative tastes in men, if we can have a frank, adult discussion on the matter. Yes, my Google searches would indicate that I am a bit of a feminist; I believe in equality and supporting myself. Yet at the same time, I would rather date a man who at least appears like he can hold down a non-food-service related job. Call me crazy and old-fashioned, but I think it’s okay for two people in a relationship to be employed.
A well-funded, totally not-made-up study shows the truth: there are no rich men with Man Buns. [Ed. note: this "study" was clearly not performed in Europe. Or Hollywood.] Even Richard Branson, the only rich hippie in the entire world, knows that Man Buns don’t look good. He grew his hair out to a longer-than-I’d-swipe-right-for length, and he committed to that length. I can respect that. I think we can all respect a man who can commit.
I don’t want to make gross generalizations here, but I have noticed a scientific trend that I would like to draw your attention to. At some point in their high school career, the majority of teenaged boys go through a phase where they grow their hair out. When asked why, they give excuses like “because I want to” and “because I can.” Obviously there are exceptions to every rule, but please. Log in to Facebook and go too far back in the Facebook history of some of your friends.
You’ll see: that hot guy you work with? He looked like a girl in high school. At this same point of pubescence, young females start being attracted to older men. They have crushes on their older brother’s college aged friends and they frame pictures of a young Pierce Brosnan. Is this a coincidence? I don’t think so. Women are casting their votes from a very early age: men should look employable. The last time men thought it was a good idea to start growing their hair out, we had to send secret agent Yoko Ono in to stop the horror.
But I’ll concede, maybe this is personal preference. I like the feel of short trimmed hair underneath my hands when I stroke the head of my paramour. My dog has short hair, and I’ve been sharing a bed with him for seven years. I know what I like. But I’m willing to try new things. A quick Google search for “Man Buns” appeared at first as though it had only found images of bearded women, until I stumbled upon something that made me stop and think: Bradley Cooper, my third-favorite man after James Franco and (I guess) my actual boyfriend, hair pulled up out of his face in a small, tight bun.
I was floored. Bradley Cooper is so manly I’m still waiting for them to name him the next James Bond, and he looks imminently employable from every angle. If he were at a job interview with a Man Bun and the interviewer was thinking about discriminating against him, he could just take his shirt off. Problem solved. Job received. So yes. I’ll admit, I like one Man Bun.
I guess the real truth is, a hot, Fabio-esque man can do whatever he wants. It’s the reason why the Uggs and sweatpants trend took off. Some women can literally wear whatever they want and still make your eyes hurt with how beautiful they are (I'm refering to myself here, of course). I suppose if I’m serious about gender equality, that means that some men can style their hair however they want, too.