The Snarkivist

How to Have a Totally Gay Halloween

Thinking about Halloween costumes? You know you better make it work.

By Javier Garza October 16, 2015

Shutterstock 233020882 wypukd

How to choose a costume for a couple, a thruple, or whatever you're into.

Image: Shutterstock

Halloween is the best holiday of the year. You don't get presents, nor do you get to stuff your face with turkey (unless you're costume is "Thanksgiving" in which case well-played), but it's the one day of the year when you get to be someone you're not. Introverts become extroverts and extroverts become even bigger extroverts. You can adopt an entirely different persona and get in the spirit of the season. Plus it's the one day you get to scare children and not get a call from CPS.

It's always easy to go the Party City route and just buy a costume, but where's the fun in that? With a few simple tips and trips to Value Village or two, you can have a costume that rivals that of noted Halloween aficionado Heidi Klum. (Not really though, I think an entire design and PR team puts her costumes together.)

One of the best things about Halloween is eschewing gender roles. It's the one day where where we can dress how we want and offend those against Prop 1. Before I dispense some helpful advice on how to plan a costume, there are two costumes that are definitely verboten: 1) Caitlyn Jenner, because it’s insensitive, and 2) Minions, because they're overexposed and lame.


If you're flying solo for All Hallow's Eve, you can go with a few standbys. You can always go as the "sexy" version of anything by wearing some underwear (preferably new) and adding something to it. These include glasses (sexy librarian), plunger (sexy plumber), t-square (sexy architect), shovel (sexy grave digger), etc. Or if you’re a little shy, there's always the portmanteau/combo game. Go as combination of two unlikely things: Babe-raham Lincoln, Buffalo Bill Nye the Science Guy, Sir Edmund Hillary Clinton, Garth Vader.


If you're in a relationship and want to flaunt it, try to coordinate an outfit with your partner. Depending on your status, you can always do a cheesy pitcher and catcher costume. But if that's too easy and trite, try going as a famous duo. Thanks to the insipid "teens react to..." series, anything from the 80s/90s is considered retro, so try to impress the twinks with exposure to classic couples such as: Maverick and Goose, that time Brenda and Kelly wore the same dress to the spring dance, Daria and Jane, Buffy and Spike (or Willow if you've read that fan fic) or contestants on Double Dare


The latest scourge on the English language is the word "thruple." It's basically three people who are dating each other. If you're able to coordinate a costume with not one, but two people, then you're already winning Halloween. If you're wondering how to dress up as a trio, I have a few suggestions. Harry, Ron and Hermione; TLC; the Sanderson Sisters from Hocus Pocus; or Destiny's Child. Good luck fighting over who gets to be the Left Eye, Bette, or Beyoncé of your group.

Couples with Babies

Thanks to One Million Mom's outrage, the Campbell's soup ad with the gay dads has gone viral, proving that not all homosexuals have good taste. There's no way two men with that kitchen (and a few Ina Garten cookbooks) would feed their child something with preservatives. That inaccuracy aside, it does show that we love Star Wars. And with The Force Awakens hitting theaters soon, the best costume for a couple with a baby is to go as two Jedi masters and a Yoda baby. The fleek will be strong with that one.


This one is very time-sensitive, but it's pretty easy to go as a currently popular meme. But because we are a fickle people, you're probably going to have to act fast and dress up as Netflix and Chill, or Ariana Grande eating a donut, or Miley wearing strategically placed orbs to still be timely. If you need some guidance, please look to Miley Cyrus's SNL monologue for ideas. But if you plan on running for political office or applying for a job in the future, use your best judgment and don't dress up as... you know who you're not supposed  to dress up as.


For the truly last minute and/or lazy, I have the perfect outfit for you: a onesie. They're cheap, they're ubiquitous, and they're pretty comfortable. Almost any pop culture property, animal, or sports team has one associated with it. And unlike bridesmaids dresses, you can totally wear it again. Like that one day of winter. So for you, fellow procrastinators, I say order that Batman onesie and tell Siri to remind you to start planning a bit earlier next year.

Show Comments