Since we live in a city that’s an hour away from itself, the Panhandle may as well be a different state as far as Houstonians are concerned. An equally flat, albeit significantly drier, state. Is Amarillo its capital? Lubbock? Is the roadrunner the state bird? How do they like their brisket? They do eat brisket, right?

For the sake of interstate…err…intrastate relations, I drove from Houston to the Panhandle and back to chronicle the best stops along the way. It’ll take a few days, sure, but it’s well worth it to add a stamp to your passport (right?) and soak up some north Texas culture.

Day 1

On my way up to Dallas for the first chunk of this legendary road trip, I stopped by my old college stomping grounds—and the final resting place of Houston’s namesake statesman—located about 70 miles north of the city.

A fun fact about Huntsville is that there’s more to the town than the prison and the eerie 67-foot-tall statue of Sam Houston looming over I-45. Café Texan purports to be the oldest café in the state, having opened in 1936. Regardless of whether that’s true, it does serve spectacular chicken and dumplings and pulls double duty as a free history museum. The eclectic collection includes letters by US presidents, Egyptian canopic jars, samurai swords, and World War I–era glass eyes. Since it’s all housed in one room, you can see everything pretty quickly before scooting next door for dessert at Louise & Oleta’s Tea House and Café. If the Dirty Doctor—made with Dr Pepper, coconut, and cherry foam—happens to be on the menu that day, you would do yourself a great disservice to not order it. The chai is excellent, too, if that’s more your thing. There’s also a seasonal selection of Pop-Tart-style pastries (that are better than Pop-Tarts) and coffee cakes.

Huntsville also holds the distinction of being the resting place of Tripod, a stray dog who walked on his three good legs and was beloved by Sam Houston State students before he passed in 1962. For road-trippers who want to make a stop and pay their respects to a very good boy, he’s buried under a well-tended marker on the university’s Old Main hill.

Just up the freeway, Madisonville has a Buc-ee’s for refueling and using the bathroom. It’s pretty much a standard Buc-ee’s, except with more painted wine glasses than any of us have ever seen in our lives.

Fruitcake frequently finds itself a punch line around Christmastime, with jokes mocking its density and flavor. Anyone who has ever stopped at Corsicana’s Collin Street Bakery on the way into Dallas knows that these jokes are as airless as a popped balloon. The bakery has perfected the art of the fruitcake with a recipe that dates to 1896, as well as succulent variants like apricot and chocolate-covered cherries that will silence the naysayers at first bite.

By the time I hit Dallas proper, I was experiencing the beginning stages of a sugar crash and needed to sleep it off. Confusingly, there are two Bishop Arts Hotels near the Bishop Arts District. The one I stayed in is at 975 N Zang Blvd (rooms start around $130). Each room is themed after a different global city. Having never been to Mumbai, I can’t state whether I felt “transported” to India, but the room was comfortable and clean to the point I almost didn’t want to leave it. However, food was required, and I decided to continue the trend of stuffing myself silly with sugar, so I walked to the indulgent Emporium Pies. The Bishop Arts location is open until 11pm on Friday and Saturday; pies rotate seasonally, with only a few year-round items. (See more recommendations in our Dallas guide, p. 99.)

Day 2

I regret to inform you that I did not, in fact, arrive in Amarillo by morning. An attempt was not made, because it wasn’t safe for the dinky little Hyundai I drive to break the sound barrier. I’m not sorry.

I’m also not sorry for breakfast at the Wild Detectives, within walking
distance of my hotel. This hybrid coffee shop/bar/bookstore/record store serves delicious chai, lattes, and empanadas in addition to seasonal alcoholic and nonalcoholic beverages. Heads up: The shop doesn’t have Wi-Fi on weekends, but it does have a special where you get a drink for free if you buy a book.

I hit the road again until I arrived at Hibiscus Café in Wichita Falls. Ask for the off-menu spetzofai, a Greek sausage specialty made with red wine and bell peppers. It’s incredible stuff, and perfect fuel to see you through to Chillicothe for a necessary pit stop at Valley Pecans. These are road trip snacking essentials: bags of shelled pecans served plain or coated in sweet or spicy mixes, and fudge so rich and dense it’ll probably end up in Congress.

I briefly pulled off 287 to check out Medicine Mound, a ghost town in Hardeman County. Only two dilapidated buildings and a rusty playground remain after the town merged into nearby Quanah in 1955. The wind roars along such flat land, but the effect is more calming than it is eerie. Despite its ghost town status, Medicine Mound offers a quiet, reflective respite from the road rather than a horror story.

The overrated Leaning Tower of Texas and alleged Biggest Cross in Texas, both located in Groom, signal that my ultimate destination is less than 50 superflat miles away: the glorious Big Texan Steak Ranch and its accompanying motel.

“Glorious” is an understatement. Big Texan is a multistory spectacle complete with an arcade, gift shop, fudge counter, brewery, and probably a whole bunch of other amazing perks I didn’t get a chance to see because I was really hungry. Big Texan’s claim to fame centers on its 72-ounce Steak Dinner Challenge, whereby participants must finish the eponymous meat, along with a shrimp cocktail, baked potato, roll with butter, and salad—all within one hour. Your meal is free if you achieve this.

You probably want to know if I did the 72-ounce steak challenge. I did not. That said, I did spring for a much more affordable cut in a size I could actually finish, and came to the conclusion that it was probably one of the best steaks I’d ever eaten. I also drank some of the best beers in Texas, most notably the almost chocolaty Whiskey Barrel Stout, a lightly sweet Pecan Porter, and the refreshing Mexican-style lager Tres Hombres (try it with the Rocky Mountain oysters, otherwise known as bull testicles…no, seriously).

The meal made for a perfect prelude to enjoying the motel. True to the Big Texan name, my room sported a campy, cartoony Old West aesthetic, including old-timey saloon doors leading into the kitchenette and bathroom area. Rooms start at around $100.

Day 3

After you’ve slept off your steak, you can enjoy Amarillo’s other claims to fame. Cadillac Ranch, an art installation by the collective Ant Farm, involves 10 graffitied Cadillacs buried front-first in a pasture. It is my humble opinion that, while Cadillac Ranch deserves commendation for its influence and status, Slug Bug Ranch is a lot more fun. As the name indicates, in lieu of Cadillacs, the featured cars were originally Volkswagen Beetles. Nowadays it resembles a playground with a multitude of different car types and placements to stretch out your legs before eating breakfast and heading out for another exciting day of road-tripping. Try Ye Olde Pancake Station, a charming classic diner. Savor the coffee. Skip the Dutch baby.

After miles upon miles of land flatter than an armadillo on 287, Palo Duro Canyon’s breathtaking cliffside views come as a shock—one of the most dramatic and tear-inducing examples of natural beauty in Texas. No matter your time or ability constraints, there’s going to be at least one trail suitable for you here. Though not listed on the map or website, the one-mile out-and-back Cave Trail is still open to the public and is best for intermediate hikers, although two of its three caves have been closed off due to rockslides. That adds to the whole experience, because the cave-ins still look incredible and offer a unique view on how landscapes can change even without human intervention.

If you’re a little more pressed for time, or don’t feel like hopping around and up challenging terrain, the Pioneer Nature Trail only takes about a half hour and, as a quarter-mile loop, makes for much smoother walking. Keep your eyes peeled for roadrunners.

Dipping back south 100 miles or so outside the park, Lubbock’s museums offer different educational chances to cool down after a trek through the desert. I’m especially fond of the Silent Wings Museum ($10 admission), a look at a little-known slice of World War II history: the Allies’ glider program. Pilots used to train right in Lubbock, and their accomplishments kicking Nazi butt are now commemorated in an old airport tower, including some of the gliders themselves.

Holly’s Drive-In in Post makes for a fun pit stop where you can grab a hell of a cheeseburger from the comfort of your own car, or take a moment to play a few arcade games inside to escape the heat and stretch your legs.

While on the road, keep an eye out for the “Welcome to Sweetwater” sign, visible from I-20 east about 43 miles from Abilene. It’s a creative piece of public art, repurposing an old wind turbine blade into a symbol of the town.

From nature to human achievement and back to nature. Abilene State Park offers $50-per-night yurts ($75 if you have a party over five people) so you can fall asleep under the stars sparkling through the skylight, serenaded by the soft hoots of nearby owls. (Side note: Bring your own linens, as the park doesn’t supply any.) Swing by H-E-B and grab some hot dogs, charcoal, and fixins beforehand. There are grills, which I recommend lighting up only after you’ve had a chance to stop by the bird blind to check and see if any little lads are flying about.

Day 4

White-tailed deer grazed outside my yurt in the morning. It made me not want to leave, but the Dr Pepper Museum’s call must be heeded.

Front Porch Coffee Co. and Bakery is worth backtracking into Abilene proper for breakfast, especially with the expanse between there and Waco offering little (but not nothing!) in the way of entertainment. In the shadow of an old silo, the restaurant doesn’t skimp on the avocado portion of its avocado toast, and the kitchen makes a mighty nice breakfast sandwich, too.

Stop by Meridian for a look at the Bosque County Courthouse, which was built in 1886 and may very well be the gothiest building in Texas after Numbers. After finally arriving in Waco, I immediately swarmed Hecho En Waco, which has some excellent lunch specials, like a massive bowl of pozole verde or a taco salad bowl for $10.

Just a block away, the Dr Pepper Museum is like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, only without all the OSHA violations and child endangerment. It’s a whimsical look at the history and making of the beloved, Texas-born beverage. One of the most smile-inducing elements of the whole experience is watching videos of Dr Pepper’s invention performed by two actors who are clearly having a blast with this gig. Another highlight is the original well where the soda slingers pulled their water. For an extra $20, you can do the Make-A-Soda workshop—I’m quite proud of the sugar-free chocolate-cherry-vanilla concoction I came up with. I didn’t fill up on my handcrafted soda too much, since the $12 admission into the museum includes a free drink. (I opted for a caramel crème Dr Pepper.)

Make sure to stop by Fabled Bookshop and Cafe. This magical, mystical wonderland—look up and you’ll catch a glimpse of a dragon—hosts a well-curated selection of books, including exciting LGBTQ+ titles, new releases from local writers, and great Texas history and travel reads. You could spend hours cozied up on a plush couch or chair with a book and a cup of tea.

You can do the exact same thing at the Bluebonnet Trail, a vacation rental complex made out of old shipping containers (rooms start at about $113). They’re homey and clean, and on a clear night you can take the stairs up to the roof and keep reading books and drinking tea until you decide it’s time to curl up in the big, soft bed and drift off into dreams of books and tea.

Day 5

If you decide not to head back up to the roof and indulge once more in books and tea for breakfast, make brunch reservations at Magnolia Table for some of Waco’s best eggs Benedict. Joanna Gaines’s biscuit recipe should be preserved in the Library of Congress. If you have room, order the seasonally flavored doughnut holes, too.

Walk off the rich meal at the Silos, another Gaines project, and shop for a variety of cute home goods, play soccer or cornhole on the green, tour a cute old church, or eat from one of the many food trucks if, for reasons unknown, you’re still hungry.

Waco is also home to a whimsical piece of public art known as the Tincinerator, a nutcracker painted on an abandoned incinerator. He’s stood 80 feet tall and proud in a parking lot since 2014, and you can wave to him from the freeway if you’re in too much of a hurry to stop and take a photo.

Other noteworthy residents of the city include the Pleistocene fossils living at the Waco Mammoth National Monument. Home to the remains of several Columbian mammoths, a turtle, a saber-toothed cat, and a few more critters still needing identification, the park is an active archaeological site where you can learn about what Texas looked like thousands, or even millions, of years ago. The $6 tour through the site and accompanying pathways takes around an hour, but you’re welcome to stay and walk around for as long as you like. If you’re also a rock and gem enthusiast, make sure to browse the gift shop’s fantastic selection of semiprecious stones.

On the way home, Buc-ee’s has a location in Waller, just outside of Houston, so you can use the clean restrooms and gas up your car (maybe grab a brisket sandwich) before heading to paradise.

Not Houston, as much as we want to believe it. Blue Heron Farm, an active dairy farm in Waller, lets you drink beer, eat cheese, and pet goats. Or just eat cheese and pet goats, if you don’t have a designated driver on hand. Settle in for a bit of pastoral rest and relaxation after being on the road for several days. There’s also cornhole and Jeremy, a sulcata tortoise with a penchant for escapism, available for your entertainment. I can think of no perfect capper to a circuit around east and north Texas than fresh air, fresh cheese, and some of the sassiest barnyard animals in the tricounty area.