Hero Host

Our J.J. Watt SNL Wish List

We have thoughts. And feelings.

By Craig Hlavaty January 24, 2020

Image: Marco Torres

This week we found out that Houston Texans defensive lineman and probable messiah, J.J. Watt, will join the fraternity of pro athletes who have hosted venerable NBC institution Saturday Night Live. We’re counting the days and hours before Watt makes his debut on Feb. 1 with musical guest Luke Combs.

How will our Houston hero—our golden god, our chivalrous refuge in a rough Houston sports sea—do on such a national stage, without football pads, helmet, and someone to clobber? And how will he compare to the other NFL stars who have graced the stage at Studio 8H? Surely he will be funnier than the previous hosts and gridiron legends Joe Montana, Eli Manning, Walter Payton, Deion Sanders, and Tom Brady, although admittedly it will be hard to top Peyton Manning’s March 2007 gig, which saw him dishing out tough love to United Way kids, among other things.

We already know Watt has some comedic chops from his H-E-B and Gatorade ads, his stint on the FX series The League, his late-night talk-show appearances, and his ability to calmly deal with Houston sports reporters on a daily basis during Texans season. So we have hopes. High hopes, if we’re honest. In fact, we have a whole wish list of what we’d like to see when our own J.J. Watt hosts SNL. (Lorne, if you’re reading, give Houstonia a writer’s credit!)

  1. Cold open with J.J. as one of President Trump's Secret Service staff.

 If anyone was ever built to protect a commander-in-chief, it’s Watt. Perhaps Gerard Butler should watch his back, lest someone steal away his Olympus gig.

  1. He and fiancée Kealia Ohai reboot those amazing Spartans cheerleader sketches.

 Would it be too much to ask for Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri to make a surprise return? Plus, we know the two have been watching Cheer on Netflix. 

  1. J.J. and Drunk Uncle tackle the Astros cheating scandal on “Weekend Update.”

 “TikTok my Snapchat, José Altuve. Uber Eats me some tacos, wink-wink George Springer.”

  1. Houston, and the world, finally gets to see J.J. in full, glorious drag.

You know you wanna.

  1. Beck Bennett plays Texans head coach Bill O'Brien with a comically large butt chin.

It would at least make us long-suffering Houstonians laugh... 

  1. Aidy Bryant and J.J. play a frumpy Wisconsin husband and wife.

Will they one day supplant John Cena and Melissa McCarthy at the box office?

  1. Pete Davidson and J.J. Watt discover they are the next great Hollywood comedy duo.

First project: a millennial reboot of Twins.

  1. J.J. doesn’t sing. Or...he does? 

Guest hosts always try to sing a dorky opening number. Without fail it always falls flat unless, you know, they are an actual trained singer or musician. On the other hand, what if we find out that Watt sings like a cross between Sam Cooke and Jeff Buckley, and the world weeps at his singing voice and, for a moment, comes together in unity?

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