Welcome to May’s Perfect Party, where we’re offering readers the following promise: If at any point you deliver a set of sextuplets in less than 10 minutes—as Houstonian Thelma Chiaka recently did at the Women’s Hospital of Texas—you too will be invited to our monthly jam. Other ways to get in include signing a six-year, $100 million deal with the Astros while doing a killer dugout stare (Alex Bregman); playing the role based on infamous diaper-wearing, man-stalking astronaut Lisa Nowak in the upcoming film Lucy in the Sky, (Natalie Portman); being a steer who at any time makes an appearance at an Atascocita-area PETCO, apparently to test the store’s leashed-pet policy (Oliver); growing up in the Bayou City, studying broadcast journalism at UH, and, after stints elsewhere, making your triumphant return to town as weekend anchor on Fox 26 Houston (Denise Middleton), and doing something of vital importance like, oh, opening a barbecue joint just down the street from the Houstonia offices, in the old Hickory Hollow space. Hey Ronnie Killen, welcome to the neighborhood!

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