Humor
How to Wrap the Perfect Holiday Gift: a 31-Step Guide
Step 9: Google “Scotch tape delivery.”
- Gather up supplies: wrapping paper, gift box, tissue paper, ribbon, scissors, Scotch tape.
- Dammit, you’re out of Scotch tape.
- Run to Walgreens.
- Pick up Us Weekly, cheddar popcorn, dog treats, box of Andes mints, and red nail polish in “What’s Your Point-settia?” (It’s festive!)
- Go home, paint nails with new polish.
- Read Us Weekly while nails dry.
- Okay, you need to wrap this thing. Where’s the tape? Did you seriously spend $40 at Walgreens and not buy tape?
- Have a cigarette and/or one Andes mint and contemplate whether forgetfulness is due to drinking or aging. Probably just drinking, right?
- Google “tape delivery.”
- Spend 5–10 minutes installing apps for shopping lists and reminders.
- Spend 30–45 minutes playing Candy Crush Saga.
- You know what? As long as you’re going out to get tape, you might as well get lunch.
- Text your BFF—“Hey betch, meet me at Paulie’s”—with assorted emoji, including several bowls of pasta and at least one thumbs-up.
- While you’re on phone, Instagram a pic of new manicure with hashtags #whatsyourpointsettia #sofestive.
- At Paulie’s, decide between rigatoni and the Caesar. Realize that if you order both, you can heat up half the pasta for Monday’s lunch.
- Eat all the pasta.
- Get to-go box for salad.
- Get back in car, realize you left to-go box on table.
- Go to Walgreens, buy Scotch tape.
- When car radio plays “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” keep driving so you can sing along. Might as well head to Starbucks and get a peppermint mocha.
- Hit Mariah-worthy high note right in barista’s face in drive-thru window. (It’s festive!)
- Okay, wrapping time! Return home, re-gather supplies: wrapping paper, ribbon, tape, gift box.
- Arrange tissue paper so it is centered on bottom of box.
- Add gift and fold edges of tissue paper toward the center.
- Close box, secure with tape.
- Cut a piece of wrapping paper twice the size of the box, place top of box face down in center of wrapping paper.
- Carefully fold paper neatly and snugly over corners, placing the long sides of the paper on top of the box first, then gently slide the box and paper 90 degrees.
- Spill peppermint mocha all over wrapping paper.
- Oh, for the love of Christ.
- Affix bow to box.
- Call it a day.
