humor

The 5 Stages of Grief When You Try On Old Jeans

The struggle is real.

By Sarah Rufca Nielsen December 30, 2014

For some—okay, most—people, jeans serve as an indispensable part of a well-rounded wardrobe. But there live among us those for whom jeans are a weather-related clothing item, like gloves or an umbrella.

Maybe we have hip-to-waist ratios that fall outside the bell curve. Maybe we prefer the glamorous life of leather sweatpants or struggle to find a reason to change out of our yoga pants. Maybe we stick to dresses because you get a whole outfit from one cost-efficient piece of clothing. Maybe in the struggle to have tan legs, some of don't get to take many days off.

The beskirted can often make it through almost an entire year in Houston with only a single pair of jeans, pulled out on rainy days, bicycle rides and trips to the rodeo. But now, on the first extended cold snap of the year, leggings are no longer enough. We reach deep into our dress-laden closets to find the jeans we have forsaken, finding ourselves locked in an emotional battle that resembles the five stages of grief.

Denial: "HOW CAN THESE BE SO TIGHT? I'M THE SAME SIZE AS LAST YEAR."

Anger: "Why is there so much fabric around my ankles? Ohh, this is what jeans were like before skinny jeans. This is stupid."

Bargaining: "Maybe I can just wear my leggings one more time? [Sniffs.] Okay maybe not."

Depression: "I can't even see my new boots under these things :(."

Acceptance, or something: "If I wear the boots and a sweater dress, there's only about an inch of skin showing. I can wear the jeans tomorrow."

Repeat until spring.

 

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