The weather is finally starting to heat up, which means only one thing: bare feet. I grew up a scrappy, mountain goat kind of kid, so to me the best part about warm weather is finally being able to toss aside my Sperrys and my Converse and my cowboy boots and really dig my toes into some fresh, cold grass. If it hurts to walk across the hot sidewalk barefoot, it’s because your feet are weak from living inside shoes. Embrace your inner caveman! Triumph over nature!
Well, that’s what I think sometimes. Other times I Google search “what kind of parasites live in the dirt” and let’s just say that even Safesearch isn’t going to save you from that one. Here’s a pro-tip: only click the images button if you really, genuinely want to see what the inside of a human bowel looks like. A good pair of summer sandals is the perfect compromise between never leaving your house again and spending the next 2-4 weeks vomiting blood and peeing worms. We aren’t 8 years old anymore; a pair of 99-cent flip-flops from Walmart is enough to make a statement. Here are some tips to follow when purchasing your summer sandal.
1. Do not wear Birkenstocks. I want to get this out of the way as soon as possible. You live in Houston, Texas. Have some pride. This isn’t Oregon or Berkeley or one of those places where you don’t need to be constantly ready to wrestle a steer or break a wild stallion. Ever heard of the Rodeo? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Try hiking through miles of dust and kettle corn and failed rodeo dreams in a pair of plywood-looking sandals and tell me how cool you are.
2. Match your sandal tan lines. Sometimes in the summer I like to play a fun game: guess what shoes this person was wearing yesterday. This is done primarily through looking at the other person’s feet and inspecting their sandal lines. Much of my strategy for not getting a tan line is to only go outside until I start to sweat; this generally does not leave the sun enough time to mark its territory on the tops of my feet. If you just sweat less than I do in general, by sandals with inverse strap-wear to allow your skin to reach a happy tan median between wears.
3. If your sandals aren’t bedazzled, go back inside. Your sandals are your best chance to make a statement, and in the summer the only way to do that is through fake jewels. All that natural sunlight is looking for a medium to shine into and blind passersby. Not only will people be unable to get the bright sunspot of you out of their mind for several blocks, but by making it physically impossible to look at your feet, bedazzled sandals also have the added benefit of hiding your day-before sandal tan.
4. Let your feet be free! Nothing makes me cringe more than cage sandals. The point of this style of foot wear is to allow your feet to mingle with the outside air! It seems almost sadistic to let your feet feel the warm air so tantalizingly close and yet be restrained by leather and suede. Let your feet breathe! This isn’t 50 Shades of Grey, and your feet aren’t getting off on this torture.
Let your feet be free! We all of us have so few weeks to enjoy Houston before the sun turns blisteringly hot and we lock ourselves in our air-conditioning with our sangria to make it through til fall.