This girl's dress is not ready for hours of video gaming.

Image: Shutterstock

I don’t want to be accused of being sexist. Once, I voted for a woman school board representative. I’ll hold the door open for a man, if I’m not doing anything else that day and got to the door first. I have strong female heroes such as Lena Dunham and Tina Fey. Yet I wrote an article helping men date women and have provided none of the same support to my female readers.

I have given men a leg up in the dating world and provided no similar supports to my own gender. Ladies, please accept my apology. I want us to all have the knowledge and tools to land the perfect hottie. These fashion tips should even the relationship playing field.

Exclusively wear bike shorts with a thick chamois pad.

I know yoga pants were the thing to wear last year, but now it’s time to break into a new sport: biking. The thick pads on these bike shorts give the appearance that you have a strong sense of endurance for sitting. This may not be so important earlier in the relationship, but as months progress you’ll be spending more and more time watching your boyfriend play video games, and it’s important to show that you can continue to praise kill shots with patience and fortitude hour after hour.

Sharpie on some laugh lines for your first date.

I get it, most women think their priority should be to appear the same age as they were in their Tinder profile pictures. New research made up just now by me suggests we couldn’t be more wrong. Men aren’t looking for the wrinkle-free faces of youth. Men are looking for women who are willing to laugh at their jokes, even if there isn’t even a pun or a Harry Potter reference in there. (Is it even possible to make a joke without a Harry Potter reference?)

In fact, biologists are indicating that one of the reasons humans evolved to exist in paired-for-life relationships has nothing to do with mating at all – in fact, it was so men would have someone around to laugh politely at all their jokes and tell them they’re handsome. Unfortunately, if this need is not met a male Homo sapiens could find himself in danger of spontaneous combustion. Women, please be compassionate. Before heading out on a first date, draw a spider web of lines around your eyes to convince your lucky fellow that you’ll think he’s funny even if his humor is entirely based on Forrest Gump quotes.

Wear glasses and your name badge from the science lab you work at.

One of the top qualities men desire in a woman is intelligence. Obviously, who wouldn’t want to date a smart person? It’s sexy to find someone who can figure out how to make the Chromecast work and can explain exactly what the series finale of Lost meant. Don’t be afraid to show a guy that you are more intelligent than he is. Broadcast your braininess with accessories from your STEM hobbies and a printed copy of the long list of books you’ve read this year. As a bonus, on the first date ask your paramour for a copy of his resume so he’ll know you’re used to taking charge in situations and have the experience to properly vet a potential candidate.

Wear bright colors and move a lot.

Humans are visual creatures. We evolved as hunters and predators – we are attracted to anything that presents itself as a potential prey animal. Probably men have continued to evolve a little bit since we were spearing mammoths on the plains of Africa, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. If you really want to attract a man, it’s important that they can see you. Wear bright colors that will attract the eye and make a lot of short, sudden, jarring movements. Some men will be more attracted to the motion, some to the color, but you can guarantee by trying both strategies you  will cast a wide enough net to find the man you desire. 

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