Our Fantasy Real Housewives of Houston Roster

The hit reality show might not be coming to town, but we can’t help but wonder what if.

By Sarah Rufca Nielsen May 6, 2015 Published in the May 2015 issue of Houstonia Magazine

Tired of being embarrassed by its politicians, perhaps, Houston appears eager to be embarrassed by its housewives. For the third time in five years, a production company has begun trolling Houston’s moneyed, attention-hungry women, dangling a chance at reality TV stardom in Bravo’s Real Housewives of Houston. Not since we found ourselves temporarily without a professional football team has the city seemed so eager to earn a franchise. 

“We are looking to cast five local housewives that have very interesting storylines. Any type of scenario is accepted if you feel that it will make you stand out from the rest and keep the audience eager to tune into your life week after week,” read a recent casting call from Bloomfield Hills, Missouri–based GD Productions, which did not respond to requests for comment. 

Responding to Twitter speculation on whether the show was really happening, Housewives honcho Andy Cohen replied with a single word: “Nope.” Aware that this might be an instance of typical Cohen coyness, however, or perhaps a thinly veiled plea for our help, we went to work, rounding up at least two cast’s worth of Houston’s most, ahem, interesting women.

Housewife: Theresa Roemer
Claim To Fame: Famously burglarized 3,000-square-foot closet
Liability: Her house, while awe-inducing, is still in The Woodlands.
Power Plus-One: Roger Clemens, who made an appearance at Roemer’s Fashion Woodlands event in March
Real Housewives Spiritual Sister: New Jersey’s spend-happy Theresa Giudice, before the bankruptcy/felony conviction

Housewife: Joyce Echols
Claim To Fame: New high-end shoe collection that’s basically Housewives 101
Liability: Allegedly dropped out of a previous failed attempt at Houston Housewives
Power Plus-One: Her power posse: Elizabeth Petersen, Melissa Mithoff and Debbie Festari
Real Housewives Spiritual Sister: Beverly Hills’s fellow shoe designer Adrienne Maloof

Housewife: Becca Cason Thrash
Claim To Fame: Perpetual party-thrower
Liability: Reality TV not as classy as Lynn Wyatt in W magazine
Power Plus-One: Duran Duran bassist John Taylor, Juicy Couture founder Gela Nash-Taylor, designer Naeem Khan
Real Housewives Spiritual Sister: Beverly Hills’s reigning diva Lisa Vanderpump

Housewife: Victoria Osteen
Claim To Fame: Co-pastor, Lakewood Church
Liability: After a well-publicized scuffle with a flight attendant, no longer flies commercial
Power Plus-One: Joel, Jesus Christ
Real Housewives Spiritual Sister: Orange County’s conservative Christian Alexis Bellino

Housewife: Maria Bush
Claim To Fame: One of those Bushes
Liability: No way Barbara will let this happen
Power Plus-One: Stepdaughter Lauren Bush 
Real Housewives Spiritual Sister: New York’s Carole Radziwill, who married a Kennedy cousin

Housewife: Claire Cormier Thielke
Claim To Fame: Former Stanford star runner/Olympic hopeful 
Liability: Director of investment management at Hines not a sexy enough Housewife title
Power Plus-One: Her mom, Dr. Yvonne Cormier (Every proper Housewives cast needs at least one pulls-no-punches mother figure.)
Real Housewives Spiritual Sister: Atlanta’s Claudia Jordan, another former runner who knows how to hustle

Housewife: Kristi Schiller
Claim To Fame: Former Playboy model; founder of Houston’s K9s4COPS charity
Liability: Not meeting Wikipedia’s “notability” requirement, her page is in danger of being taken down. 
Power Plus-One: Former Men’s Health editor-in-chief Dave Zinczenko, Avatar actor Stephen Lang, both K9s4COPS board members
Real Housewives Spiritual Sister: OC’s Jeana Keough, another proudly Republican former Playmate

Housewife: Cindi Rose
Claim To Fame: Award-winning silhouette artist
Liability: Tiara-designing daughter Erica is already a reality TV veteran (The BachelorBachelor Pad).
Power Plus-One: Tiara-designing daughter Erica is already a reality TV veteran (The Bachelor, Bachelor Pad)
Real Housewives Spiritual Sister: OC’s fellow wife-of-a-plastic-surgeon Heather Dubrow

Housewife: Dominique Sachse
Claim To Fame: One of Houston’s most recognizable news anchors; social profile has only grown since marrying Nick Florescu in 2012
Liability: Day job might be considered a conflict of interest. (Then again, she already works for NBC/Universal.)
Power Plus-One: Joel Osteen (presided over her wedding), Thrash (hosted it)
Real Housewives Spiritual Sister: Beverly Hills’s Lisa Rinna, who also made the jump from scripted star to Housewife

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