Peeps & Valleys

If Easter Candy Were a Netflix Series, the 2017 Episode Would Have Jumped The Shark

What even is Puffs Bunnies Cereal?

By Joanna O'Leary March 10, 2017

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Your seasonal key to Type II diabetes.

You certainly don’t have to believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins and rose from the dead. But if you do, you sure as hell should believe if this happened it was not so we could enjoy stuffing our faces with vulgar Easter treats. That's why Cookie Chick died for our sins and rose from the dead. Duh.

Crass-albeit-intriguing 2017 is proving to be a banner year for a number of reasons, including but not limited to the introduction of crass-albeit-intriguing Easter-themed food products. Exhibit A: Blueberry Peeps dipped in chocolate. How is this even a thing? The singular merit of regular Peeps is that you can use them to wage a microwave battle (two Peeps enter…only one emerges). Blueberry-flavored marshmallow chicken infants dipped in chocolate-flavored wax are more useless than a credit card on Mars. Other only slightly less offensive varieties include orange and raspberry. “Discover Something Sweet Today!,” Peeps & Company demands of the feckless consumer. Sorry, Peeps—"I Just Discovered Something ****ty."

And speaking of Peeps as well as the proliferation of gross and unnecessary flavors, the geniuses at Nabisco have created Peep Oreos (not to be confused with Oreo Peeps, which I’m sure on their way). Rumor has they turn your poop pink, so remember that before you run to the ER claiming to have found blood in your stool.

Parents who are good give their children solid chocolate bunnies on Easter. Parents who are bad give their children hollow chocolate bunnies on Easter (perhaps to reflect their empty hearts?). Parents who want to encourage the development of Type II diabetes give their children chocolate bunnies with a side of peanut butter for dippin'. This item, definitely a contender for the Cloying Candy of the Year Award, is the result of a collaboration between Russell Stover and Jif, the latter of which I’m guessing was feeling frustrated over Reese’s majority share in the Easter peanut butter confection market.

But Reese’s is far from blameless. The last item on this not-so-conclusive list of obscene Pascha products is their “Puffs Bunnies Cereal.” I love how they attempt to extend the shelf life of this product (and avoid offending religious sensibilities) by labeling it “Spring Edition” rather than “Easter Edition.” THE BOX ILLUSTRATION SHOWS THE CEREAL IN A BASKET SHAPED LIKE A PEANUT BUTTER CUP. You’re not fooling anyone. And if you are, they deserve to buy a box of the stuff at Big Lots next "Spring."

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