Arbitrary Criticism

How to Buy the Perfect Hipster Sweater

Wearing the wrong animal sweater is soooo mainstream.

By Catherine Martin November 10, 2014

I'd swipe right

Image: Jenn Anne

There was a time when hipster was a bad word. It was associated with people who were jerks about the kinds of beer you could take to their parties and who always wanted to be the one to plug their iPhone into your car radio.

Any amateur statistician can see the indirect correlation that 'hipster' shares with all other dirty words. As usage of the word increases, offensiveness decreases. Now hipster means just what it should mean: a person who is interested in things that are hip, trendy, and cool. The day has arrived. We’re all a little hipster.

Whatever, I say. Embrace the side of yourself that you once detested. There is no better time to start wearing your hipster-tude with pride than right now. The weather is turning cool, it’s time to update your wardrobe anyway, so make sure you do it right by buying a hipster sweater with the animal that best fits your personality.

OWL: The Basic Hipster.

The owl is the original animal loved by hipsters. Known for its wisdom and solitude, the owl is everything your average NPR listener aspires to be. On the vanguard of the animal attack, it emblazoned everything from backpacks to off-brand Keds. Now so dated that it’s once again ironic, the owl is an important piece for every wardrobe. If you want an accent that’s a throwback to the genesis of ironic fashion and culture, deck your bosom with this winged spirit animal.

FOX: The Sexy Hipster.

It’s not for nothing that we call attractive, sensuous women 'vixens,' the old English version of 'foxy.' Splashing this knit animal across your chest signifies that you’re a hot commodity on the dating scene, and you’d better have the knowledge to back it up. The Canidae family is only for those who know all the best Lone Star happy hours and have exactly the right indie-playlist for bicycling to your Tinder dates. Make sure you balance out with a thick pair of glasses and dramatic single earring.

PANDA: The Friendly Hipster.

These hipsters prefer social events, like attending ACL, smoking hookah, or chilling out at Avant Garden. They like to sip their small-batch craft brew beer with a large group of friends—the technical term for a group of hipsters being an irony of hipsters—and they’re always willing to try a new indie folk band provided the vibe is cool.

GIRAFFE: The Long-Necked Hipster.

By some means they seem to catch trends before they get imported from vintage pornography. Perhaps it is that they—like their sweater spirit animals—possess an advantageous viewpoint, like a bartender at  Notsuoh or an intern at the Menil. Whatever the cause, by the time the predators of the mainstream have attacked the lands of hipsterdom, Giraffes have already bounded for new land. Enjoy your advantage while consoling yourself about the loss of Fitz and the Tantrums to the mainstream.



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