The Snarkivist

5 Resolutions Easier to Keep Than Your New Diet

Doing these might even make you a better person, which is more than we can say for taking the stairs every day instead of the escalator.

By Javier Garza January 5, 2017

Shutterstock 548493349 rh4idp

Purple hair means looking this cool all the time (or just forget it).

Image: Shutterstock

Now that the garbage fire that was 2016 is past us, we can focus on the year ahead. While all New Year’s resolutions are meant to be broken, that doesn’t mean you can’t ring in the new year with a few simple changes. Doing these might even make you a better person, which is more than we can say for taking the stairs every day instead of the escalator.

Be patient with all the new people at the gym

It happens every January. Your favorite gym becomes inundated with all the people who swear that this year that they sport some abs or fit into those skinny jeans. It’s not uncommon to hear gym regulars bitch about the “resolosers” taking up their favorite bench or not using the pec/fly machine correctly. I say be patient, for there was a time we were those twinks being overzealous with the weights and falling out of a chair. Give them credit for at least trying something new. Besides, if history is any guide, gym levels return to normal after a few weeks.

Give Up Your Top Knots

I thought we went through this last year, but apparently, some people didn't get the memo. Unless you're a European soccer player or in a Kurosawa film, you should not put your hair in a tiny sprout on your crown. You look silly and that you’re behind the fashion curve. Plus man buns could lead to some bald spots and the last thing we need is the hipsters to try to make us think the Friar Tuck is a thing.

Put the Active Back in ActiveWear

As Blair Waldorf of the late, semi-lamented Gossip Girl once and forevermore declared “tights. are. not. pants.” People should only wear activewear to hot yoga and to Trader Joe’s right after hot yoga. I know it’s comfortable and really easy to throw on, but do you really want to be remembered as that lady eating a salad at Black Walnut in Fabletics by Kate Hudson high-waisted confetti print leggings? Plus if you want to see how activewear looks age, just watch the Olivia Newton-John "Physical" video.

Commit to your Candy-Colored Hair (Or Skip It)

Perhaps in a few years, people are going to look back and think “Why did I want my head to look like a carny is about to stick a paper funnel in my hair and try to serve it little kids?” Guys, if you're going to rock an unconventional hair color, you can't half-ass it. I understand that you’re trying to be baller AF, but when faded or grown out it looks like dirty dishwater. You've chosen the Lady Gaga of hair colors (a.k.a. something that is designed to get attention at all times), so please own it. If you want your hair color to make you look like a boss with less effort, go for a deep Melisandre red. You know who messes with the Red Woman? Nobody.

Don’t buy Ivanka Trump’s stuff

Maybe a few disheartened urbanites thought the new First Daughter would be the one progressive-ish bright spot in the upcoming Trump presidency. But don’t be fooled, she can be just as shameless a self-promoter as her father. Remember how her team (i.e. Eric or Tiffany) tweeted links to buy the looks she wore at the RNC and the Trump post-election 60 Minutes interview? Until the Trumps figure out this whole "ethically separating the presidency from the family business" thing, spend your cash supporting local designers and shops (like Chloe Dao or Elaine Turner) and other minority and women-owned businesses.

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