Everyone knows Memorial Day is the unofficial start of summer. Well, with the grill cooling down from that inaugural round of sun-soaked burgers and those first beach trips in the rearview mirror, we’ve reached another … shall we say notable ... occasion familiar to all Houstonians: the start of hurricane season.
That’s right, everyone’s least favorite, unpredictable weather-related season is officially upon us (for all you Newstonians, Atlantic hurricane season runs from June through November)—and that’s saying something after practically a month of nothing but rainy days and flood warnings.
We’re sure we’ll get to important conversations like prepping your house and furry friends for trouble at some point this summer, but in the meantime, here’s a look at a few of the Houstonians you’re likely to run into during a hurricane.
The Weather Expert
The Weather Expert has seven weather tabs open at all times on their laptop and, as a party trick, they can actually recognize a weather model just by the color. You won’t hear them say “hunker down” ironically like some of us. Only close friends have seen the shrine they have constructed to Space City Weather popes Eric Berger and Matt Lanza in their attic, complete with votive candles and framed screenshots of when Eric liked one of their tweets.
The Doomsday Prepper
The Hurricane Doomsday Prepper will mention nonchalantly in line at the grocery store that they wrote their Social Security number on their chest in Magic Marker just in case their body gets washed away in Pearland. This person actually fills up their bathtub with water like a freak, only to drain it later to shower. To the chagrin of their family, they started wearing knee-high rain boots the day hurricane season started. They’ve already prepared bug-out bags for every member of the family, including the dog, the cat, and the mother-in-law.
This laissez-faire wonder calls everyone a panicky idiot for being worried about “a few dozen inches of rain.” They will also be the exact person who goes viral for wakeboarding in a flooded Whataburger drive-thru lane. This person only stocked up for “essentials” at the liquor store, and even then, it was just their usual weekly trip. They think flood insurance is for suckers, and they drive through floodwaters to prove a point to no one.
The Old Timer
The Old Timer can be heard telling every staffer at Home Depot that they “didn’t evacuate during Hurricane Alicia and they won’t evacuate now”—even as they buy $1,500 worth of lumber to board up the house. They will go out of their way to buy live bait just in case the nearby creek rises, and they can fish for dinner from the back porch. They don’t get the hype over “computer models” and have a rusty weather radio in the garage that has yet to let them down. Legend has it they lost a pickup truck during Hurricane Carla rescuing a hitchhiking Dan Rather.
The Transplant Fretter
They’ve watched every Hurricane Harvey rescue video they could find on YouTube to get hyped before moving to Houston. They can be heard saying, “Y’all better hunker down” ironically, even though they’re scared out of their minds. Their first rookie mistake is thinking that they will only need one handle of Tito’s to get through the aftermath. They will also be the first person to walk through a pile of fire ants in floodwaters. Later, they will brag to friends and family back home about braving 100-mile-an-hour winds from their Katy apartment complex.
The Grizzled Native
Hurricane? Tropical storm? Sure, whatever. They have several sandbags leftover from Harvey they forgot to use. While they claim to hate all the hurricane hysteria, they have been texting their insurance agent since Sunday night. They’ve already picked out their new roof and fence, just in case.
Emma Schkloven contributed to this story.