Karens in The Woodlands banded together to form a Mega Super Ultra Karen Voltron to complain that concerts at the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion might feature—time to clutch your pearls—naughty language. According to ABC 13, they threatened to report the storied venue to the Federal Communications Commission, which doesn’t even regulate live music performances.

To the Pavilion’s credit, they issued a polite, legal-friendly rebuttal about artistic expression and censorship. We admire their restraint in stopping short of pointing out that if the critics cared so much about their precious kiddos possibly hearing swears, then maybe they should consider taking an active interest in their media diets. That requires actually doing the job of parenting, though, which would rob them of precious time away from Botox and golf.

The best part about this whole quintessentially Woodlands to-do is that the artist in question who sent their teeth a-gnashin’ was none other than fellow Houstonian and former Disney Channel pop princess Hillary Duff. Because, come to find out, the suburbs aren’t what dreams are made of. 

It turns out landlords aren’t required to provide air conditioning to their tenants in Houston—a subtropical swamp that’s currently weathering (pun intended) the ravages of climate change. Community Impact reports that, thanks to building standard codes, landlords can skip AC units altogether if they install window screens for cooling instead. Make it make sense.

Because we can’t keep expecting Megan Thee Stallion to be the only one footing the bill for emergency power for seniors, City Councilmember Alejandra Salinas has called on the city to pass the Right to Air Conditioning ordinance to close this nonsensical loophole. She points out that landlords failing to provide air conditioning disproportionately harm predominantly Black and Latin American communities. Along with seniors, young children and disabled people are the most at-risk of developing heat-related illnesses.

City Council is expected to discuss the ordinance at a meeting on July 28, and we know Houstonia’s City Hall columnist, Emily Hynds, will report on this critical public health topic with her signature punch and panache. No Houstonians should ever be considered an acceptable loss if their landlords want to pinch pennies and put them directly on a path toward sickness and death.

Flock cameras aren’t exactly popular here. The company who makes these solar-powered security devises claims they only record license plates, but the cameras have reportedly been used to identify protesters, activists, and others questioning the status quo (some of that information has allegedly gotten passed on to the feds). ABC 13 reports that two Flock cameras along Washington Avenue were hacked in half and spray-painted. Though they were installed in 2021, many Houstonians, including business owners along the Washington corridor, weren’t aware of the cameras’ presence until news of the vandalization hit.

Some people hunt ghosts in cemeteries; others, treasure. After all, who’s there to call the cops? Turns out, the people reviewing the security cameras set up at a cemetery along the Katy Freeway near Eldridge have the corporeality to dial 911. KHOU reports that an unidentified woman was caught breaking into multiple cremation niches to steal jewelry and other valuables left behind to honor the deceased. She even brought her toddler along while robbing the deceased of their riches. Please excuse us while we start outlining our screenplay.

The never-ending drama of Pusch and Nguyen (and Wynne) continues to never end. Chron reports that Harris County District Judge Christine Weems referred personal injury attorney Chi-Hung David Nguyen and his brother John to the District Attorney’s office after ex-partner Anthony Pusch accused him of perjury. The DA’s office will not comment regarding whether or not they plan to investigate Nguyen’s own admission that he lied under oath about where he got the money to purchase some property along the Gulf Freeway; Pusch believed it to be the future home of a new law firm to which he wasn’t invited (guess they just could quit each other after all). Nguyen claimed he got the money from his family but later backtracked, admitting it came from a client he did not inform Pusch about. 

But Judge Weems didn’t stop there. She also requested that the State Bar of Texas investigate Nguyen’s dealings, too, in a move that could lead to disbarment if he’s found in violation of the state legal code of conduct.

And to think. Maybe this could’ve all been prevented if these guys had communicated about something other than their next memetic billboard.