Arbitrary Criticism

How to Disguise Your Holiday Chub

Dieting is for quitters.

By Catherine Martin December 8, 2014

Option #5: Strategically placed scarf

Now that the holiday season has swung into high gear, there’s only one thing on everyone’s mind: how do I keep my significant other from seeing the pounds of fat I’ve acquired in an apparent attempt to eat every pie made this side of the Mason-Dixon line? And more importantly, how do I keep my Facebook feed free of any pictures that might be regrettable after the New Year’s resolutions kick in?

The key is in the winter sweater. Get ready for a full-blown disguise guide that will hide everything from extra whiskey-and-eggnog calories to  an after Christmas dinner food baby that looks at least second trimester.

It's hard to keep eyes trained on anything but pants like those....

Go for bulky knits and oversized styles. Anything that will naturally bulk up your size. This may not make you actually look slimmer, but it will give you a convenient excuse whenever you go over your mirror groupies with your girlfriends. “Oh – I hate this sweater! I always look so fat in it!” Denial is everything, and if you speak loud enough people might just start to believe you. Just in case, quickly remind everyone how much you love spending the holidays around them so they’ll be blinded by your flattery.

Try bright, geometric patterns. The idea here is to hypnotize and confuse the viewer. You want to create a smokescreen that will distort all vision around you. Your friends and family will begin to hallucinate a much thinner, more well-rested you. This is helpful in the workplace, too, as it may allow your boss to hallucinate you're working when you are really checking Facebook. Also, remember to choose electric, mind-numbingly vibrant colors. If it’s physically painful to look at you, nobody will notice the extra, ahem, ounces you’ve put on this holiday season.

Match the color of your sweater to the color of the room. Call ahead to your holiday parties, and pick your outfit to best blend in to your surroundings. The more chameleon-like you are, the less likely you’ll be waved into whatever monstrous group photo is happening around you. The idea is to minimize online exposure of this season’s “holiday cheer.” Don’t feel like you have to compromise your socializing, however; if you’ve matched the tones close enough, even the person you’re talking to won’t be able to tell where you stop and the wall begins.

Accessorize for success! Large earrings will counterbalance the size of your winter paunch. The shinier and more sparkly they are, the more they will delight and therefore distract. Try a new hair style, or interesting ways of applying mascara. Sometimes it comes down to a choice: do you want people to remember that extra five pounds, or that you swung and missed with your eyeshadow blend tonight? Life is all about hard choices, and master disguise artists know that better than anyone else.

Remember, even animals know you’re supposed to pile weight on in the winter, and animals aren’t even smart enough to program the DVR. Follow these simple rules and nobody need know that you ate the first batch of Christmas cookies yourself.



Filed under
Show Comments